I wish I could say that I am over my week of rageaholism but I’m clearly not. I frankly feel like my head is going to explode and I don’t know it is like the strong me that could be something some day is the person that generally walks into my therapy sessions and then the weak Corinna takes over after I leave, it is like my alter ego fools him into believing I am ok, that Corinna she does exist but not for longer than if I’m lucky twenty four hour periods at a time and I was going with it having fun in those time lapses trying to stretch em out for reals but they are becoming fleeting, and I hate this left handed Gemini shit too, SO obviously part of my problems. Yesterday I had an epiphany that I have had ZERO drama in my life with ANY of my non blogging friends and friends that may blog but our friendships are way way beyond the blog in ummm forever, can’t even remember when the last time was. It makes me pretty sick thinking about it actually. Until I signed onto the wee social media barf sites I was pretty fucking happy.
I’m not blaming blogging not by any means; I’ve met and exchanged as well as received some really awesome shit in various forms since I started blogging in April 2005 it has changed me in ways I am proud of and ways I am ashamed of. And I’m very thankful that more than one reader has called me out both times now that I’ve started to lose myself into a scene called social media that to me is almost everything it says it isn’t and is generally just an excuse to get drunk for free or chug the two drinks you got with your tickets but I am only talking about the cut throat claws always spread on the Vancouver scene I don’t know how it is in other cities and SURE social media does great things but so do telethons.
I had no motive, no real goals when I started Gus Greeper, I just wanted a place of my own and it is hard to explain especially from an only child’s perspective but I’ve never had that. Even spending the amount of time alone that I do it sounds crazy thinking that I jut wrote that but I never had anywhere to be free to be real without, I guess – I am realizing as the words are coming out – without my father able to somehow invalidate it or take it away.
I had no way of knowing that posting my struggles here would garner the emails it does, the thank yous, the please help mes, the people who just want to talk to an anonymous stranger who they can likely tell isn’t going to judge them from my content when it comes to that aspect of it, the level of trust in people knowing I keep everyone’s anonymity means a shit load to me. Were it not for the continued support and the continuing emails, comments and losing PH I don’t think I’d be about to head into year five on the internet. For it is a vicious and vile place at times.
When I took my blog roll down it was nothing personal it was to show that I was serious about writing for me, regardless of the content, as long as it is quality to me, one person can perceive something as a lash out that someone else can view as a love letter. The world is a crazy place. So for a while I’m going to be leaving my comments off on most posts, I will be launching into the supporting of Earth Hour 2009 soon obviously comments will be open for those posts, but this is where I am at right now and I am confident that if you have stood by me this long that my turning my comments off won’t change anything. I just want to write it, put it on my screen and move on to find myself again.
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