I am so many different things my person is not easy or overly hard to figure out depending on you and your shit too.  Although I think it is kinda funny that anyone would claim to know me when I’m still knee deep in trying to figure that one out myself.  How real is living in the real world anymore anyway, really what does it even mean. What does it all mean when you wake up on a Monday morning to find yourself deleted completely from someone’s life didn’t even have the decency to call me a fuck face or nothing just gone three.five years of stupid girly cards and gifts and more way more and it wasn’t even worth a goodbye. And the flip side where someone calls you insane, really people please start looking up the definitions of your cut downs if you are going to use some insult and have me take you seriously, anyway if we don’t talk all the time but we see each other at outings and you’ve decided you don’t like me, that is cool, seriously it is, what isn’t cool is calling me insane and secondly sorry to burst your ego but I’m not all up in your shit cause remember I’ve been deleted OFF OF IT I’m calling you out on it. BIG DIFFERENCE. And my response to you is, don’t put your shit back on me, I don’t give a shit if I have to see you at such and such and so and so or yeah I probably do even last night at #lamecamp09 I had to fake like some girl I regularly and will continue to see at things but I don’t like, and then I said something stupid but I don’t even like her but now I’m all worried about what I said? Seriously it is just insane saying you don’t care when you do, but what is even MORE insane is feeding me your bullshit. Trust me when I say I’ll have respect for you and more willingness to not gossip about your ass like you do mine and just press delete but oh hehehe I’ll just pretend it was an accident and pretend when I see her, or wait, I’ll ignore her when she has the balls to ask what the fuck your problem is but you’re too big a pussy to respond.  Or one of my favourites now is the I’ve learned not to send out lashing mean evil emails FIRST and do a bunch of immature emotional unlinking but whoever is still five and part of their lash out is FILLED with DON’T EVEN CARES and petty shit about how bad my punctuation is but then you post on it? Wow you are about as smart as my punctuation is good. And I’m not sure I care to learn to not lash out back if you attack me first. Not today anyway.

I’m just sick of it like what happened to 1998 when I had to break up with my girlfriend in person on the street to her face and have her look me straight in the eye give me the finger and say FUCK YOU.

*Please be advised that this post contains mature themes

I recently had a conversation with my mother’s sister where it came up that my parents in defense of my accusations that they spent no time with me as a kid had made a point to go on and on about how often they took me camping on their final trip to Ontario before moving to Bali.

This war going on between my father and I is getting pretty out of hand he is writing his own material at this point, his lying and manipulation tactics have hit levels I’m thankful I didn’t have to live through as a child because I may not have made it to a place where I could rise above it and deal with it.  It says a lot to me that it took me over forty five minutes to explain to my aunt that my father had simply manifested all of his behaviors into new ones and she’d fallen for it.  I’ve watched this man brain wash my mother my entire life and attempt to brain wash me, listening to a woman who has called him every name in the book and despised him since the 60’s saying it seemed like he had genuinely changed scared the living shit out of me.  And even though in the end I got her back to seeing him as he is in regards to my mother the only thing that we can do is accept that she has officially shown her cards.

I wish I could say this surprised me but when dealing with parental neglect and being able to let it go because I accept that to them this was technically a lot of time spent with me, from any only child’s perspective I also see their selfishness and narcissistic needs taking precedent over anything ME.

Here is what I remember from our days portaging through the mountains of British Columbia and on regular camping trips some in provincial parks with good lakes, some in the middle of fucking nowhere before BOTH of my parents became Cub Scout leaders, while I went into Brownies:

We portaged in the days when there was no canoe holder draggy thingies. My dad carried the canoe with as much gear as he could manage tied under it and my mother and I carried the rest, I always walked in the middle.  One time during a hike to camp there was a pool of water with a steep water fall, my parents wanted to go for a swim so they put my life jacket on and tied me to a tree I just remember being terrified because I was dragged as close to the edge as the rope would go and my parents were too busy copulating to notice.  My parents being too busy copulating brings up my next memory of having my very own tent from obviously WAY too young of an age aside from being party to hearing a lot of copulating in the woods. One time it was so windy and my tent hadn’t been pegged in that I swear to god the tent was bouncing up and off the ground and folding in on me and here I go blank. I know I must have wet myself and somehow gotten over to my parents tent.  This other time we were on top of a cliff and all night we could hear this loud slamming, banging sound, and my mom thought someone was coming to kill us, AND I WAS IN MY OWN TENT, no no, not scared at all.  I remember the time I dropped a piece of cheese on the ground and my dad sat there and watched, made me eat it covered in dirt and I was already forcing down spam sandwiches for crying out loud.  I remember almost dying of hypothermia the only thing that technically saved me was that I was bailing the water out of the canoe as fast as it was coming in, when all was said and done apparently I was beyond shivering thankfully although in the middle of no where on this trip my parents had the car for added heat to warm me back up. These are always told as funny happenings, fun little stories, no biggy, didn’t almost drown our daughter, nope she didn’t almost get blown away.

The only time they spent with me during these camping years was playing Uno and unfortunately although you play while living life it is just a game, just one game.  I would meet other kids on some of these trips but let us remember that I had zero social skills none, no brothers no sisters, just parents who took me places but didn’t actually spend quality time with me so it would generally take me about twenty minutes doing god only knows what because those are memories I can not access but I’d manage to alienate said kids and bam I’m stuck for a day a week depending on whether we were in a camp site or portaging alone with no one to talk to and nothing to do but read my Owl magazines.  And the more I think about it the more I remember that even the good memories I have of camping are still mostly memories of times spent alone.

If I had a sibling this wouldn’t even be worth writing about, it would have been a completely different story but I’m sorry, dragging your kid around like a piece of your camping gear and then tying them to a tree so you can screw is NOT spending QUALITY time with your kid.

Nice try though daddio.

So basically we don’t follow the rules and we only have one tradition it started innocently enough with a Nuns Having Fun calendar, it was deemed Adam’s pick and then the next year brought forth a gift of a calendar making it technically my pick and then the calendar that changed everything, the calendar that meant war.  Need I say more than Adam’s pick and Men with Buns? Oh and click this link now for some Men with Buns action, you want to trust me.

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Holy crap I had the migraine of all bloody migraines yesterday.  It was seriously a nightmare. Since I’ve graduated to seeing my shrink every two weeks I look forward to going like you wouldn’t believe.  I am so lucky to have a therapist who doesn’t push the drugs on me, yes I am on three medications but he makes me feel very in control of my dosages.  We have genuine conversations in with the ther-ap-a-tizing.

No matter how long I live here there are some days I swear that we really do have some of the worst weather anywhere.  I haven’t been enough places to accurately apply that to Vancouver but when you have to walk to the nearest hotel to get a cab because there is no predicting how much time you need to leave to get somewhere if it is raining and trying to get a cab to show up not only on time but to simply show up is becoming pretty rare and when you don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a similar problem you gotta wonder if there might just be some sort of quandary.  It isn’t just the holiday season the construction in the city for the Olympics, with what feels like four buses and two cabs on the road people are not starting to get agro here they are. This final year and a bit are going to be a huge test for this city one that many would argue it is blatantly failing already.  It scares the crap out of me that it takes me half an hour to get somewhere it should take me ten minutes, it may not seem like a big deal but it rains here a lot and hard and if the city is freaking out already it is hard to even picture what it is going to be like with the Olympics. How do we come together as a city as a province when the citizens are being completely ignored?  There is no excuse for some of the construction in the down town core right now, fuck your shitty planning when the people that live here can’t get anywhere how the hell are we going to host the world. How about we get the homeless some shoes and a roof and then we’ll chat. Fuck man I am SO TORN on these Olympics. One of the strongest love/hate relationships I have ever had, let me tell you. But seriously back to the construction, there has ONLY been talk of redoing Granville Street since I moved here in 1996 so I’m pretty sure it has been discussed a hell of a lot more than that, but you wait until NOW until one year and one point five months to the Olympics it is December for crying out loud it is pouring rain so hard and so much a waterproof body suit wouldn’t keep the average person dry.

I was already beyond over stimulated when I left for my session yesterday, getting there made me so extra sick that I had to call Adam to come get me, poor guy dropped everything and walked over the bridge in the PISSING rain just to take a cab home with me cause I almost barfed cause of my migraine.  I’d love to see what I look like, seriously, dry heaving, trying to give money, crawling out of the cab, right into a head between my legs knee bend, I’ve done it enough times my neighbors have likely seen me laying on the grass outside my building when it isn’t pissing rain.

And why did he have to WALK over the bridge, oh that was because transit works so well here that had he have missed one connection he would have been roughly a half an hour late.