Prologue

Back on February 8, 2006 when I came out with the secret that I had been a chronic hemorrhoid sufferer from the ripe old age of 19 I never imagined it would turn into an epic saga filling my life with enough material that I could write a book on What to Expect When You’re Expecting Rhoids. Nor did I realize how much support I would receive, granted my archives for 2006 are a disaster and ALL of the comments from the whole year are gone, but at the time when I realized just how many people were suffering with ass issues of their own, or for whatever reason wanted to be kept posted on my ass, I decided I would blog the entire adventure including the surgery.

I welcome you to read the posts I’m linking to in this Prologue, I will only include the main highlights here to either welcome you to the saga or refresh your memories. I particularly love the guest post that Adam did I think he captured my fear quite well.

My first bowel movement took over an hour. I chugged glass after glass of water to take my mind off the fact it was happening fresh out of bed at 7 something in the morning with absolutely no pain killers in the system. Everyone knows that I Corinna Liscumb have a mild tendency to exaggerate but this is different and I would never do that in regards to something like this, Adam sat on a stool [haha I said stool] the whole time and basically held my hand. Although I would give anything to see my facial expressions there was no fucking way I was busting out the camera even for something as memorable as that was. In case anyone is DYING to know my second pooh was much shorter but just as painful and involved yelling and the word ‘fuck’ at times.

Even years later I often think how when I woke up all the nurses were talking about my tattoos instead of say mentioning that not only was there a lot of gauze on the outside of the area BUT that there was a piece of gauze UP inside my anus that was about the size of my thumb. I was actually told about that there piece of gauze in my comments by one of my loyal readers [isn't enough to call Sarah a loyal reader, she's a friend as well, we've both been there for each other through some heavy shit over the years, she's the bomb].

Sarah knew an ass surgeon, I can’t remember exactly what she told me but it included and was not limited to a part about how *most people* when crapping out that piece of gauze pass out cold. Not like I didn’t already know it, but that confirmed to me that I’m one tough bitch.

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Although I still mention my ass surgery on here I’ve never felt the need to give an update.

Until now.

Even though everything looked fine on my initial follow up visit two weeks after, by six months I knew I had a problem.  Around this time I phoned the surgeon’s office back and explained that something wasn’t right, I was told that it could take up to a year to properly heal but to call back and come in if I had any pressing concerns. On the year anniversary, nothing had changed. By this time we’d done some research and discovered that having the hemorrhoidectomy did not mean that I would never get the rhoids again. OK FUCK WHAT? It explained a lot but I was livid, I should have been told that when making the decision to have this invasive and painful surgery in the consultation. My rhoids had not actually returned but I had noticed a piece of skin wasn’t tucking up inside like the rest were and it was easily irritated by say a thong.

I made an announcement on Twitter that I was returning to work. The day Adam walked in and said he had been laid off, I was on the phone to my girlfriend before he stepped out of his boots; she has gotten me all of my previous work in film, my schedule was shifted around a bit but I did get hours. Last Monday was my first day. Sometime during that 16.5 hours it felt like my ass had popped out a rhoid. I wasn’t surprised, I assumed this day was coming and I was working on location outside for that entire day, it almost made sense with my luck that this would be the time that they would return.

On Monday night when I got in the shower with what can only be described as despair I pushed that piece of swollen skin as far up my asshole as I could. I didn’t even have any Vaseline to help soothe the area, I recently hucked our container because it was from 2005. And sure maybe expiry dates aren’t completely accurate but I thought that 2005 warranted being thrown out. I returned to work on Tuesday and worked all 16 hours of it in a lot of pain but being the only female PA who was I going to tell? It was day TWO I was scheduled in till the following Monday. I OF COURSE didn’t want to let my girlfriend OR my husband down. But I had no choice I woke up Wednesday morning with the added thrill of a plugged nose and my cough had returned. I texted my on location contact/boss and my girlfriend/boss, but I only mentioned the onset of the cold out of no where. As I mentioned to her later I didn’t feel comfortable talking about rhoids over text message at whatever hour it was in the morning. THANKFULLY I was not fired, but I was taken off the rest of schedule for that episode. I thought for sure I was toast but I must have horseshoes in that dysfunctional ass of mine too.

I wasn’t able to see my family doctor until Saturday morning which was half my fault because my brain was set on I DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS – LA LA LA my ass doesn’t hurt so bad I can hardly sit.

I gave the doctor a quick rundown on the surgery, and my hospitalization at 19 (with a very serious case of thrombosed hemorrhoids) which began my ten year hot streak of internal and external rhoids before they were removed. I explained to him that I knew something had gone wrong with the leftover skin and prepared myself for the worst.

“What you have there is actually a yeast infection about this big [forefinger touching thumb around] causing the swelling, itching, redness”. Everything led this veteran rhoids suffer to believe they had them again. He did also confirm that the piece of skin was not a good thing and could cause me further problems down the road but that this was different. I was like “WHAT, I totally wash my ass man”, not to mention I have NEVER heard of an asshole yeast infection. He explained to me it has nothing to do with that, only not to wash my genitals with soap, I told him I hadn’t for years, I use hypoallergenic Vagisil wash. I know I have sensitive genitals, Vagisil wash is my friend. Taking this in was interesting because I don’t know the exact number of vaginal yeast infections I’ve had in my life, honestly WHO keeps track of that. It’s under five, and I’m almost 33.

This new development with my ass is both good news and bad. Good news no rhoids. Bad news FEELS like I have rhoids and right now I can’t work, I need a couple days, this stuff is supposed to work fast, which begged me to ask Adam the question(s) of “when a doctor tells you something like an ass cream works fast do you ever wonder why, like does he use it, has his wife used it, is he suffering from a yeast infected ass right now?” I guess now I’ll just keep my asshole yeast infection cream in my work bag and if it starts to act up again, take that, I have ASS CREAM.

I had a lot of posts that I had hoped to get up before the end of the year but I ended up spending most of the time worried sick about a friend, helping said friend and spending time with said friend so I was unable to finish the last of my 2009 posts, said friend is ok now; and even though we plan nothing for Christmas we ended up out more than usual, where I learned that it is no lie the new Star Trek does in fact look better on a massive HD TV on a Blue-ray and let me just BITCH here for a second because OF COURSE the Blue-ray copy has way more special features than the regular ol’ DVD. It has a gag real but NO deleted scenes. #SuckitDVD you may as well be a fucking VHS tape. So then I thought I will make a To Post / To Do list for 2010. NOT resolutions.

I guess I make it a resolution to not make any. If I want to change something about myself I’ll change it, resolutions, shmesolutions.

Here is a funny photo of me on Christmas Eve. It was Adam’s idea, on our walk, to use the Red Olympic Mittens as beer holders and they were tall cans and thus were a perfect fit, genius. Holy he will SO fit in when I take him up north. We have plans to eventually head up north with one of my very best friends and his lovely lady friend who I have come to love dearly as well, as it turns out he and I have both lived in Smithers and Terrace so we have a lot of wonderful things to show our significant others. I’m more excited about Smithers, the beauty of the place is undeniable. I think we should hit Terrace first or it’ll be an even worse let down.

In the year 2010 I would like to accomplish some if not all of these things that I will discuss below but they are more like goals, things I think about when it isn’t just the Christmas season.

• Finish my Bali series. I still have shit loads of great stories and photos to share, one that is pretty hilarious yet painful, and photos that although are on my Flickr have not been posted here. And now with returning in April, which was the plan until yesterday and is now up in the air due to Adam being laid off, I’m given even more reason to finish that series. I’m also planning to continue to try and get this charity off the ground with me dad.

• Re-write my about page and continue to learn how to use Wordpress properly and get myself moved to a new template.

• I’d like to have February 4th pass this year and remember my dear friend PH as he was, loving, brilliant, someone who believed in me no matter what people said, someone who should still be here, but isn’t, I just want to remember him fondly. I want to give myself permission to remember the good times, and not re-hash and relive the loss in such detail as I have done for the last few years now. I want to free myself from the guilt and the pain, but I won’t know if I can do it until the date approaches.

• I get asked a lot of questions as a blogger, some on Twitter that are too long for 140 character responses and deserve a post, others over email, and in comments, I’d like to start a series this year where I take it a step further than responding to all of my lovely comments which I appreciate so very much and am very thankful for and writing the posts. (with the persons’ anonymity kept if they choose). I get asked some heavy shit, that if I wasn’t a lazy blogger I’d have posted on ages ago. I have actually apologized to people I’ve promised posts for and I’m now putting it into writing I’m going to engage you all more by posting what you wanna know.

• Read at least 20 books, I missed my quota again this year damnit. But I mentioned to Adam that I wanted to try and take the 50 book a year challenge (yeah right who am I kidding) and his response was “but that would mean we won’t get to spend as much time together.” *swoon* I love my husband. 20 books it is.

• Get the 2010 Calendar Wars post up.

• Get through the Olympics with moisture, the essence of wetness, still left in my body from all of the glorious uncontrollable joy crying that I have just learned to go with and take as it comes.

• Show up at events I’m invited to, no matter the guest list. February will be my first test.

• NO MORE FAIR WEATHER DICK FUCK ASSHOLE USER FRIENDS.

• And last but not least continue to be myself again on my blog, stop letting feelings of victimization keep me from writing my mind and letting my depression issues keep writing themselves into stories of the past and present. There are some things in my past I’d really like to find the balls to write about this year, I’ve dealt with them, but there is no doubt these are situations that should be talked about, not to rehash, to educate.

While I was away in September, Adam started listening to iTunes radio, when I first got back I sort of scoffed, I’m not a big radio person. But when I started to like song after song after song that was coming out of the computer I asked with a curt voice, “what is this? what playlist is this, is this your Blip“? “no it is iTunes radio” he says. Right. I’m getting old I have trouble letting in new things, I don’t have any idea what the hip kids are listening to, give me my John Denver and take me home down a country road and I’m good.

Just because I have a hard time letting in new things doesn’t mean I don’t listen to good music (I can hear C.J. cringing across the pond). I used to claim I liked a little bit of everything but when C.J, Adam and I discussed the topic of people who say the will listen to anything I discovered I do not in fact like a little bit of everything. Quite the contrary.

50s and 60s Adam and I are pretty much on the same page music wise. 70s we veer off at Barry Manilow. Let’s just say it’s a testament to our marriage that we have no internet on our phones, one t.v., no working MP3 player and one computer, OH and let us not forget I’m an only child and I don’t share good. The t.v. and the laptop are generally in the same room, the only room other than the bedroom.

We had a 50s 60s and 70s station on one day, if we are working on monkeys or cleaning these are the easiest for us to agree on before we come into a situation where our love of music has to be enough to get us through each others playlists and keep an open mind to maybe even liking some new songs. No doubt I end up liking more stuff Adam listens to than he does me BUT I did introduce him to Tool and John Denver, so top that.

Rarely do lyrics the first time you hear a song stop you dead in your tracks. But this deep, sensuous, dirty, am I hearing these words right 70s soul started to embed itself into my cranium and when I looked at Adam I could tell instantly he was having the exact same what the fuck am I hearing reaction.

Ill be the other woman
All your life
Just as long as I am the only one
Other than your wife
Your wife how would she feel
If she caught us together
The same way I would feel
if I caught you with another
Home I know comes first
And second to that Ill be
When youre not there with her
I want you right here with me

Ill be the other woman
Just as long as I know
Im the only other woman
You make love to
Ill be the other woman
But Ive got to know
Im the only other woman
You make love to

The neighbors are whispering
Saying that you dont care
If you cheat on your wife for me
Youll cheat on me for someone else
Ill be your part time love
But thats as far as Ill go
To be your part time fool
Would be stooping a little too low
Loving a married man
This I really dont mind
But a married Casanova
Is a little out of my line

Ill be the other woman
Just as long as I know
Im the only other woman
You make love to
Ill be the other woman
long as I know
Im the only other woman
Ill open doors for you baby
long as I know
Im the only other woman
you make love to
Ill be your part time love
Ive got to know
Im the only other woman
you make love to
Oh yes I will
Yes I will

Here is a YouTube video so you can get a feel for how catchy soulful and awesome it is, but it doesn’t make it any less disturbing.

Now we are both addicted and can not stop listening to this song by The Soul Children and laughing. We aren’t assholes, I’ve even been the other woman but nobody was married so It wasn’t a home wrecker type situation it was a we lived in different provinces, we were both in our twenties and if he wanted to fly out to see me and tell his girlfriend he was going to see his grandmother and other choice lies then let him situation. At that age, I didn’t see the big deal, plus he made me feel like I was the main woman. But when it comes to marriage this song just kills me. When the relationship with his girlfriend ended, she still does not know about me and writing this she still won’t trust me or I would not be writing this, we tried to commit but because I ended up looking at him as more of a fall back guy, while I dated as well, I couldn’t trust him to be faithful to me after we had both been unfaithful from the very beginning. It was an extremely interesting three plus years but when it ended it ended badly. I never want to feel jealousy like that again in my life. In fact I’d have to say that is one of the things I learned the most about myself is how destructive jealousy can be.

This reminds me, I’m one of the lucky ones, if this were the 70s I may have gotten into some real trouble but the only other female I have to be jealous of in Adam’s life is Gus and that bitch better watch it too.

My best little buddy, the kitty I’ve had since I was sixteen with braces still on my teeth, in 1994 there were two kitties left, an adorable ball of fluffy kittiness and the wee grey runt I chose who became Gus, now at fifteen years old has been having some health problems and I finally had to take her to the Vet. We hid the kitty taxi when we brought it up from storage so she wouldn’t see it and on Friday morning when I went to put it on the bed to put her in it, of course she knew instantly where she was going and went mini insane and I ended up feeling like an asshole tryingto get her in the thing because one of her problems is arthritis and here I am trying to push her on already sore paws into a hard cage. Poor little buddy. Once inside, she started to meow at a heartbreaking pitch I had never heard before. Heart breaks some more and I’m not even at the vet’s office yet.

Up until very recently we’ve been able to hold off some of the aging pain with over the counter products designed for aging animals, we had been giving her Zukes, Hip Action for about two years, she seemed to like them except when they’d go hard and weren’t fresh and we noticed an instant improvement in her mobility, we also made the apartment kitty friendly building her an apparatus out of Guitar Hero boxes in the bedroom that she uses as a step up and helper getting down. She also took to that right away. We have the living room arranged so that she can walk from piece to piece while getting progressively closer to the ground as she is doing so and we also pick her up if we she is attempting to jump off something higher up, behaving like the young virile cat she used to be instead of a lovely grey senior citizen.

Gus started to limp and favour her right paw, it made me sad. We tried to up the Hip Action to two a day but it didn’t do anything. She had also started to have these extremely odd and creepy breathing episodes where it sounds like she is wheezing but can’t seem to catch her breath it scares the shit out of me and I get pretty upset it lasts around a minute, you can only monitor something like that before you start to feel like a bad parent for so long, so once the limp started she had to go in.

Things didn’t go real well at the vet. The general examination was fine, meaning her behavior, but apparently she has a heart murmur which I didn’t know, very bad arthritis that I did know about, possibly something simple like Asthma or something serious, and she has sores around her mouth from scratching her face so much, we got her some cream for that.

I had to enable the vet aka give them money so they can find out what to use on her pain-wise for the arthritis and because of her breathing problem and the heart murmur they needed to do blood work, of course they wanted to do xrays that day too but I’m not stupid one step at an overly expensive price first please.

Anyone who knows Gus knows that saying she’s curmudgeon central is putting it rather mildly, I never saw this coming, oddly now I think I should have. They took her into another room to do the blood work and the small area they had to shave off and the blood extraction went fine and then while the assistant was pressing the needle spot to prevent a lump she apparently flipped, I did hear her yelp once fromother room, but not just a regular flip out she flipped so bad they came and got me and I went and tried to get her but she was CRAZY she bit a hole into my finger deeper than any bite I’ve ever had from any animal in my life, thanks for trying to give me rabies little buddy, it looked like a really bad cardboard cut, if you have ever had a cardboard cut as opposed to a regular paper cut. This lead to the veterinarian having to throw actual work gloves on and towel her to get her back in the kitty taxi. I have NEVER in fifteen years seen her that mad and inconsolable.

As of now, she’s on temporary pain killers until they know how bad things are so they don’t make anything worse, but this is it, pain meds for the rest of her life. And there are NO fun ways to try and get her to take the pills. We will likely switch to glucosamine shots that eventually we’ll be able to give her ourselves. We also had to get a urine sample out of her with this special litter, I don’t think she had even gone to the bathroom since Friday (vet day) so today we put the special litter in, it doesn’t absorb, and we waited till around four this afternoon for her to finally pee syringed it and it is now in the fridge.

I’m finding this all pretty hard because she is of course different hasn’t slept with us since Friday and I couldn’t sleep Friday night because she never cam wanted e in acting and this is very overwhelming I didn’t go to therapy on Friday because I couldn’t leave her alone she was flipping out so badly. She won’t eat the pills mixed in her food, we got one down her throat then the second time she no part in it the plastic dissolved so we put that over her food and again she wouldn’t go for it. Awesome two pills and two bowls of food wasted. She’s supposed to take two pills a day but we can only get one in her a day. The pain meds are giving her horrid breath but they are helping. We managed to get another one down her throat yesterday and one today, you can really see the difference in her limp even only getting three of the pills down and to think she is supposed to have taken six of them by now.



This is going to get worse for a bit before it gets better getting her comfortable so I got her a new Petmate carrier so it’ll be easier on all of us getting her back and forth to the vet. In the morning I’m dropping off her pee and picking up some treat pill cover things that are actually cheaper at the vet than at the local pet store, apparently the glucosamine shots are cheaper over time and last longer but we have to wait for her blood and urine to come back before we can take the next steps.



Thank you very much for the Hugs for Gus and I + Adam over Twitter and Facebook it seriously means a lot. I hate seeing my little buddy hurting so much. She is starting to demonstrate affection towards us again as shown by this photo from earlier today.