They inquire:

How do I deter squirrels from ruining my outdoor furniture cushions, this is the second set they’ve destroyed? the squirrels have used their claws to open up the fabric then they have proceded to tear out the stuffing to use for their nests.

Well, for ONE I would recommend maybe, I don’t know, taking them the fuck inside at night. Other than that I have no idea.

To the dismay of Gus who likes blow up mats, we are empty nesters again, our guest Phaeds & her sock monkey Bobby have gone to their new place (woot congrats again buddd-dy) and with that means Dr. Vegas is basically alone and he is depressed. This makes almost no sense; he used to despise and spend almost all of his time plotting ways to eliminate other members of the army and now he is friends with some and is so depressed he can hardly sit up. He’s gone soft on us, I’d almost go as far as to call him a bit of a pussy, Adam says I can’t call him a pussy but I can say he is ‘acting like a pussy’.

Before:

(from left: Ho Chi Pimp, Bobby, Dr. Vegas)

After:

My intestines / ass haven’t been the same since I ended up in hospital so now I have to have a barium enema on July 20. Two people over 50 have told me they are not a big deal and Dr. Buttle (my shrink) figures it is IBS brought on by stress. I will save you the details of exactly what is going on but it isn’t pretty or pain free, it is also frustrating as I am pretty tired of things going wrong with my ass.

We we riding bikes in Stanley Park one day and we came across this gator and being they are my favourite animals on earth (YES, more than cats) I first of all could not believe I hadn’t seen it or heard about it being in there before, nor did I expect to end up in an epic death roll, thankfully I was wearing my bike helmet, I think I pissed it off while feigning to surf on its’ nose.

Some sad news, Narco didn’t make it, I have yet to find out what happened to the little guy nor do I know if any more cygnets have been born, I need a break from the heartache. The Lagoon has been waiting for eight years now for a cygnet to make it and it seems unlikely yet again this year. Hope I’m wrong on that one but none of the nature photographers I know who follow the cygnets as closely and some closer than I do have had new photos up.

R.I.P little Narco buddy.

FUNNY STORY TIME!!

I did something TODAY that I have wanted to do for YEARS but never had the balls to do. I only need to tell you a tiny bit of back story.

One of the penthouses in the building across from us faces straight into our living room and bedroom. When we first moved in here in 2004 out of my tiny bachelorette from down the hall the most interesting off all the new neighbors to make up life stories for was the lesbian couple in the penthouse mentioned, she barbecued year round and generally wore some form of work out wear or what could be considering gardening clothes but she never had a garden up there just a motion sensor light for the barbecue. When they moved out maybe a year and a half ago now I was actually sad. I felt comfortable naked in here and she was very entertaining and beyond fun to make up theoretical scenarios for, especially in the summer when her and her girlfriend would take to the patio with red wine in white robes. We even called them our lesbians. Since they moved out they haven’t been able to keep the place occupied. There are constant open houses and from the first one I mentioned to Adam that I wanted to go. I think he thought I was insane. But WHY NOT??? If not just to see exactly how much can be seen from there, ALL my curiosity surrounding what it looks like in there would be solved, and not only that, knowing what it looks like will I’m sure make it about ten times more fun to make up stories about future buyers. A couple days ago the latest owners moved out and while Adam and friend where out on a ride around the Sea Wall I could hear voices. I looked out the window and there is was another open house. Unwashed and with greasy hair I decided it was time to giver a go. I put on an outfit that at least covered my tattoos but had to leave flip-flops on because I’m sporting a blister the size of a grape right now on my heel and have to be in heels at a wedding next weekend so shoes are out for me right now and headed out giggling to myself as I walked down the stairs. I crossed the street and up to the penthouse I went, I walked in to see what appeared to be serious lookers and quickly scanned the area. WHOA way smaller than it looks from the outside for one. SHOCKING what $685,000 will buy you. I talked to the realtor telling him my parents lived in Bali (true) and were looking for a place to buy when they are back in the city for extended times for visits. (lie) Somewhere I ended up throwing in that I was thirty-two (true) because I could sense my youthful looks where throwing him. He said and I kid you not, “I was going to say this open house is for nineteen and over” NIIIIIIICE lately youngest someone has guessed is twenty-two (true) and they said they were being generous it was on the Fringe set. I walked out onto the balcony and looked into our place and could see the bike and the fan, I had left the blinds down but instantly confirmed that not only could you see in here you could probably see the zits on our asses if you looked carefully enough. As I walked back across the street feeling triumphant I instantly texted Adam with ‘I just did the craziest thing ever you are going to be so jealous’. I brought a pamphlet home so at least he can see what it looks like up there but I have been in there now. Awesome. And Adam is, totally jealous.

I’d also like to mention that I’m writing for a new site now called ThinkHero if you like sci-fi / comic books, movies, television, anime and video games then you should check it out. It is more of the sci-fi / supernatural / horror / action movies and shows type website with video reviews than romance and dramas. So far I have written an introduction piece which talks briefly about working as a production assistant on season 2 of Fringe and I will have an opinion piece on one of my favourite shows up soon. I’m excited to have somewhere new to write. Being that it is an American site out of Los Angeles I’m hoping the audience will grow fond of the wee Canadian and her opinions and such from Hollywood North. I’m still a bit nervous to say the least.

You may want to read the original Calendar Wars post and the link in the first paragraph. Or I guess you can just take my word for it in my brief explanation to follow the end of this sentence. [this should be good, me trying to give a brief explanation]

It started innocently, no that doesn’t work, it started as a joke, or so I thought. After the Men with Buns calendar was on the wall for a full year of course it had been made clear by me that I should be allowed to pick the next years’ calendar. To say I got him good that year, would be saying I got him GOOD that year. Two words: Jeff Foxworthly. A few more words: You might be a redneck if….  [I am after all a pure bread red neck, Grandmother lived and died in a trailer park]. Poorly written, not even remotely funny jokes, with cartoons of plumber butts, clam slam skirts and shirts, but not hot ones, HOES; twelve months of them.

My husband never one to be outwitted got me back in 2009 with The Big Breast Calendar. This is where some of you are like WHAT you love tits. YES I LOVE TITS! But even he admitted he copped out and went for porn, couldn’t out horrible calendar me so he went for tits. Only backfired on him two months, Ms. September and Ms. December were a challenge for him. There wasn’t enough of the car for Adam in the Ms. September shot, although oddly I found Ms. September to one of the hottest women on there, and Ms. December just should have never happened. You don’t want a description. Both women still had big tits, they were great, it was the photos.

One day I was on Flickr and I saw the side ads which on Flickr don’t annoy me cause they are for cool shit like Moo cards. I saw, or was reminded that you could make a calendar. I wish I could tell you ladies that I filled it up with hot photos of my husband, but where would the fun have been in that? Given that we are both pretty big fans of over the top dorky photos of ourselves it was a no brainer and thus Adam Carlson in Calendar ~ #adam2010 was born.

Cover photo: taken by me up in Prince George over Christmas the last year my parents were still living in Canada. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he had the halter on wrong before taking the photo.

Mr. January: If you know Adam at all you know he is extremely calm, he doesn’t swear very often and is basically the complete opposite of me when it comes to that side of our personalities, so the fact that for whatever reason he gave me the finger while I took this was out of character for him and like nice wannabe smurf hat. Neither of us makes resolutions so out of my picks for photos I liked this one for January because it’s sort of a fuck you to resolutions or whatever.

Mr. February: Adam was sick or something so I went out and got him some treats and such and your guess is as good as mine as to why but I decided that we needed wax lips. HAD TO HAVE THEM.

Mr. March: The original photo on Flickr is entitled: impromptu C.J look-a-like contest winner C.J is family to us, he has seen this picture, and has been overheard saying :”it looks even more like me than me”.

Mr. April: This is a mish mash of classic Adam moments, Showerhawk Wolverine face with kittehs, trying to eat cardboard instead of the Pocky, He wore flowers in his hair golfing, and Potato mouth (in our apron wedding gift which states: It Takes Two Socks To Make a Monkey, stemming from a hilarious joke Adam cracked out at a friends place one night).

Mr. May: As a you just had a vas-nipper gift I bought Adam some stress balls two years ago this May 23rd. I didn’t know how much pain he’d be in and thought he’d appreciate still being able to play with some balls.

Mr. June: Last year I commented on how I continually feel ripped off by June year after year in calendars and it is MY birthday month, the 14th every year; it just doesn’t seem fair, it isn’t like I take it personally but I’ve said it once and I will say it again June is continually represented in a prejudice way against awesomeness, in my humble opinion. Again, I’d really have liked to have posted a photo of say this nature but it would have cheapened the entire calendar. This here, is the money shot. This is the day that I bought my husband the worst underwear on the face of the planet it was all my fault they were just, well, you can see the photo. One of those worst wife ever moments. There are two more prime shots that were supposed to be on this page but no matter what I did the program wouldn’t let me upload them so we are all stuck with this one gem instead of three. My sincerest apologies.

Mr. July: Classic Adam, you can see the dedication to his craft of making me laugh in his eye.

Mr. August: The photos here are taken from the day that we started what we call The Creepy Carlsons, now we go out of our way to take creepy photos like this one that Adam took. Two examples of how fun my husband makes our marriage are apparent in his dorkiness in the other two. It is also his birthday month so the photo of the crazy eyes is fitting.

Mr. September: Who doesn’t have photos of themselves pissing in the bushes. There is one kicking around of me in the Dominican Republic I just thought of now, hilarious.

Mr. October: I took this photo the morning after our wedding, he claims he is pretending to be Gus, I say either go on a fucking picnic together already or admit you were trying to run away from the marriage.

Mr. November: This time, he’s being more of a horse. Still wearing the halter wrong.

Mr. December: This photo is entitled Find the Dill-weed. Adam named it himself.

I’m the type of person who can’t buy something for someone without having to give it to them the second I buy it, this was coming via mail and was so hard to keep my mouth shut about you can’t even imagine. I was laughing at nothing constantly, I showed it to a girlfriend who was over via the photos who was very impressed by my selection knowing us both very well. Well shit, that just made it even harder to wait for it to arrive.

The day it did arrive I was doing an interview with the Liquid Inspiration Podcast boys C.J and Daz and was in the middle of telling the story when Mr. 2010 himself walked in the door from work and we were all privy to his “you got me” response right there on the taping. Since seeing it he has mostly been heard muttering to himself about how the hell he is going to top this. *coughs rubs lapel*.

I started this hanging my hanky out of my pocket thing in Bali and seem to be keeping it up back in my home country. I am not trying to be cool or make any kind of fashion statement, we only allow nose tissue in here if we are really sick and have fire nose and thus have both switched to hankies. I say that wearing a leather belt, it was a gift, so it shall not be denied the awesomeness that is the attached guitar belt buckle. Like my Browns boots I got em before I went as green as we can afford to go.

It is hard when you have Ninja knee high socks AND Unicorns to say that you’ve found a pair that are cooler BUT I did. These socks have red foxes on the feet and happy little mushrooms and little trees and if I ever got a chance to meet Neko Case I would wear them and be sure and show them to her.  It isn’t my fault that they also match the t-shirt I got the first of four times that I have seen her live being the Fox Confessor Brings the Flood tour, the only other group I have ever seen that many times is the local super star husband and wife pairing that make up Mojave [I have their t-shirt too].

Dr. Vegas is taking a huge liberty here in wearing the very naked Hunter S. Thompson’s frames that will be the aviators he is being made.  You will also have a hard time not noticing that this is the first time that Dr. Vegas has appeared without his mask in quit some time, in fact if memory serves the last time he was photographed without it was because he was pretending to be Woody Guthrie.  Adam and I were just saying that Dr. Vegas is on a journey of some sort right now. I wasn’t the only one changed forever by a trip to Bali.

“He hasn’t been completely the same since he got back” said [father] Mr. Adam Carlson just as this was going to print.

Gus was very into the Wii and watched us play a lot.

If you’ve ever wondered if I’m an energetic person even though I claim to be a hermit though I also claim to be a runner and doer of the yoga and a player of the golf, then this video is for you.

C.J do check out the tunage in the Adam bowling videeeeo. Although seriously WTF, she is NOT growing on me AT ALL. We are really into iTunes Genius mixes right now, because I loaded the entire CD library onto the computer and C.J very generously gave us some CDs, Joanna Newsome shows up a lot, and it is never a good ending.

And get this, I’m going to backup all the music, soon.

Tis the season to look wrecked in photos.

Just because I have a hard time letting in new things doesn’t mean I don’t listen to good music (I can hear C.J. cringing across the pond). I used to claim I liked a little bit of everything but when C.J, Adam and I discussed the topic of people who say the will listen to anything I discovered I do not in fact like a little bit of everything. Quite the contrary.

50s and 60s Adam and I are pretty much on the same page music wise. 70s we veer off at Barry Manilow. Let’s just say it’s a testament to our marriage that we have no internet on our phones, one t.v., no working MP3 player and one computer, OH and let us not forget I’m an only child and I don’t share good. The t.v. and the laptop are generally in the same room, the only room other than the bedroom.

We had a 50s 60s and 70s station on one day, if we are working on monkeys or cleaning these are the easiest for us to agree on before we come into a situation where our love of music has to be enough to get us through each others playlists and keep an open mind to maybe even liking some new songs. No doubt I end up liking more stuff Adam listens to than he does me BUT I did introduce him to Tool and John Denver, so top that.

Rarely do lyrics the first time you hear a song stop you dead in your tracks. But this deep, sensuous, dirty, am I hearing these words right 70s soul started to embed itself into my cranium and when I looked at Adam I could tell instantly he was having the exact same what the fuck am I hearing reaction.

Ill be the other woman
All your life
Just as long as I am the only one
Other than your wife
Your wife how would she feel
If she caught us together
The same way I would feel
if I caught you with another
Home I know comes first
And second to that Ill be
When youre not there with her
I want you right here with me

Ill be the other woman
Just as long as I know
Im the only other woman
You make love to
Ill be the other woman
But Ive got to know
Im the only other woman
You make love to

The neighbors are whispering
Saying that you dont care
If you cheat on your wife for me
Youll cheat on me for someone else
Ill be your part time love
But thats as far as Ill go
To be your part time fool
Would be stooping a little too low
Loving a married man
This I really dont mind
But a married Casanova
Is a little out of my line

Ill be the other woman
Just as long as I know
Im the only other woman
You make love to
Ill be the other woman
long as I know
Im the only other woman
Ill open doors for you baby
long as I know
Im the only other woman
you make love to
Ill be your part time love
Ive got to know
Im the only other woman
you make love to
Oh yes I will
Yes I will

Here is a YouTube video so you can get a feel for how catchy soulful and awesome it is, but it doesn’t make it any less disturbing.

Now we are both addicted and can not stop listening to this song by The Soul Children and laughing. We aren’t assholes, I’ve even been the other woman but nobody was married so It wasn’t a home wrecker type situation it was a we lived in different provinces, we were both in our twenties and if he wanted to fly out to see me and tell his girlfriend he was going to see his grandmother and other choice lies then let him situation. At that age, I didn’t see the big deal, plus he made me feel like I was the main woman. But when it comes to marriage this song just kills me. When the relationship with his girlfriend ended, she still does not know about me and writing this she still won’t trust me or I would not be writing this, we tried to commit but because I ended up looking at him as more of a fall back guy, while I dated as well, I couldn’t trust him to be faithful to me after we had both been unfaithful from the very beginning. It was an extremely interesting three plus years but when it ended it ended badly. I never want to feel jealousy like that again in my life. In fact I’d have to say that is one of the things I learned the most about myself is how destructive jealousy can be.

This reminds me, I’m one of the lucky ones, if this were the 70s I may have gotten into some real trouble but the only other female I have to be jealous of in Adam’s life is Gus and that bitch better watch it too.

I know where she got the hissing from, the biting, not so much, if she hasn’t stopped attacking you if you get up in her face on say your third meeting with her she hates you, she is a much better judge of character than I am and once she starts only hissing and snapping at you occasionally, you’re in.

One day Adam caught her trying to relax, sleep, take a bath on the router, we’ve had said router for a while now and this was her first attempt at abusing the warmth it exudes. Like, why now it is hot in here, why not in the winter?

Naturally, we got Dr. Vegas on the job right then and there and appointed him a Router Guard.  Of course we don’t want anything on top of it but a black masked sock puppet is lighter and doesn’t envelop the thing. I know that busting out the camera and taking photos of her being bad is hardly going to lead to the correction needed to her behavior but it also isn’t often I  catch her and she ignores my patented scary face, finger snap twist hand back yells get down routine.

These incriminating shots were taken on two different occasions BOTH after we got a router guard who was either pushed off the router or bribed off with bananas, knowing Gus she just pushed poor Dr. Vegas off the router.

What happened next is what happens to every person who gets a bodysuit; you end up listening to Olivia Newton John and dancing around your apartment to Physical. Oh right I am pretty out of my mind right now and going through a seriously serious family crisis, it’s just me.  So I ended up taking some photos, Adam liked said photos, that was Friday.

Yesterday I ended up playing my Blip.fm list which now contains Physical and decided to do a play by play of how I ended up in the bodysuit the day before. But by this time Adam had put the Physical video on YouTube and I was reminded that there are headbands worn in the original so I made sure to include them in mine as well.