Archive for the 'CONFESSIONS & STUFF' Category

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Girly Mc Girl Girl

Published on September 30, 2008 by Corinna Carlson | 15 Comments

Right now I am feeling like emotional crap.  This doesn’t mean I am not still experimenting with this happy business it just means I’ve hit a glitch, a big one. [pertinent post coming]

I’m trying to take my mind off it and look at it from some more angles before I write on it or it will be a gong show.  Granted avoiding dealing with my most recent issue is really only making it worse.  It is family related I am SO done with any and all blog drama.

I’m known to be a pretty plain Jane.  I do have a girly side I just grew up a sporty tom boy.  I’m too lazy to wear much makeup and mascara doesn’t even make me happy anymore because false eyelashes are all the rage and I swear the funniest thing I ever got picked on for in high school was supposedly having fake lashes the teasing started in 1990.  YES there are much worse things to be picked on for, trust me the bullies had me covered. sven jorgenson I do get my lashes tinted on occasion because it makes me feel pretty.  I find that because I have a face covered in peach fuzz that wearing any sort of cover up is literally impossible to get even on my skin.  I also can not stand the feel of makeup and have probably eaten at least a tube of lipstick and I hardly ever wear it because I eat and pick my lip skin off constantly it is pretty disgusting but an interesting example of how when you make an effort to stop a compulsive behavior it often manifests itself into a different behavior and can take a while to accept that is all you have done and have to start over.

Shall I get to the point?

Due to the copious amounts of pot I have been smoking for years, more than I will admit to most people; though let us not forget that addictions are generally intensely private to the individual, I find myself with very dark circles under my eyes.  I’m used to this, but it has become more obvious to me as of late.  Extra water intake and extra moisturizing was not cutting it.  Even if I were to quit smoking pot completely it takes approximately two months before your skin starts to lose the grayish tone that sinks in and only adds to the eye circles.

When it comes to products primarily marketed towards women and the refusal to let us age gracefully I rarely get sucked in.  I exfoliate my face in the shower and my body using two different St. Ives products, they are inexpensive products that work. I use Olay moisturizer on my face because they are generally one of the only mid-price range lines of beauty products I have any interest or faith in; although I also use St. Ives body moisturizer because I have super sexy chicken scratch skin on the back of my arms and top of my legs.

I purchased Olay Regenerist Eye Lifting Serum hoping it would reduce my dark circles and it didn’t work, so I went into The Body Shop where years ago I bought this under eye gel one of my straight male friends used and so I had to try it and because it was gel it was cool and soothing.  The novelty wore off fast I was twenty-young something and didn’t even have dark circles.  But I explained my totally superficial insecure eye situation and they told me to put my Olay in the fridge.  This made for soothing application but it kept not absorbing right and getting in my eyes and making them redder than they already are and it was pissing me off.

for upcoming post.. I recently started using Garnier’s Skin Renew, anti-puff eye roller because I fell pretty hard for the cool feeling of the Olay serum under my eyes I just didn’t want to lose my eyesight due to fire eyes.  This Garnier eye roller had me pretty intrigued for someone who although writing a page plus post on a bloody eye serum doesn’t get excited about just any girly products.  Nic’s Sticks by OPI were my last must have girl product and that took place in July and was egged on by my lust for Target and the exclusivity to Target anything because I am a sucker.

I’m going to go out on a completely uneducated limb here and admit that I highly doubt caffeine is good for your skin.  But this eye roller works and it feels like you are at the spa for that six seconds it takes to apply.  I noticed almost instant results my puffiness and dark circles have dramatically decreased and it is not just my imagination.

I am still skeptical because I used Proactiv Solution for years back when it still cost almost seventy dollars Canadian for a three month supply.  Although this product was fantastic for helping clear up the adult acne I suffered through-out my twenties it was not without side effects and has left me with pock marks which are not flattering.

For now I am enjoying that girlish feeling I get when I know that no one even looks at my under eye skin or notices the bags I see but the bizarre permission I feel to act girly makes me hope the caffeine doesn’t make my skin shrivel up like raisins.

Accepting My Emotions

Published on June 27, 2008 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

One of the reasons that I see a shrink is because I have emotional problems.

Talk about stating the obvious.

My emotions come in so many different sizes, shapes and colors; they are wild and hard to control. But I have had the pleasure of learning that for me controlling my emotions is also about letting go and acceptance.

It isn’t necessarily as cut and dry as saying, “I’m a crier”, because in some situations where you would think I am sitting balling about something I’m not. It puzzles me I always notice it and think to myself, holy shit I feel really bad about that shouldn’t I be crying? So then I will make an effort to cry, but nothing. I am a seriously bad fake crier I can not do it. But what I can do is cry my eyes out at the most inappropriate times and embarrass the living shit out of myself and then I’m also the asshole who used to find out someone died and started laughing instead of crying, or again, I just can’t cry. It is fucked I tell you. I must have out grown the laughing thing, thank paganism for that but nothing has seemed to slow the flow of the water works.

This isn’t something you can mention in a session and expect and instant cure for; I have been the epitome of the above paragraph since I was wee kid. It has taken me five years of weekly sessions to even write about it. But this time my blubbering outbursts at the Triathlon World Championships and then in my therapist’s office had a different spin. It was from the perspective of being proud of the fact that I am so passionate about really fucking awesome things, like books and sports and friends in other countries, and people I’ve met through my blog and when I talk about books and movies and sports and people I’ve met through blogging who have helped me accomplish personal goals and helped me deal with my social anxiety I get misty eyed and I used to really try and hide it, behind things like my ugly prescription sunglasses, but just the other day when I was getting my hair cut I was telling my stylist about having my photo taken with Tri-Athlete, Lauren Groves and I got teary eyed and I had told her how emotional I had been that day in general and she looked at me and said “are you getting emotional now?” And I said “FUCK YEAH!” For the first time in my entire life I just came right out, didn’t try and hide it and owned my emotions. Because I know and am starting to accept that I feel the things and people I love so deeply that yes it makes me very emotional, I think I have stated that the Olympics on my turf could possibly drain me of tears and it may kill me.

This is something I could never figure out how to deal with, I despised it. It bewildered Adam to no end, I think we have grown together on this one though because I really have had no choice but to just let it all go, this is my husband and it hurt trying to hide the emotions, it would hurt when he would laugh at me because he didn’t understand. And the knots hurt my throat, playing the watery eyes off as allergies was fake and I’ve only had adult allergies for four years so it was also a flat out lie. And Adam actually knows me so excuses didn’t work.

This is me, see me get emotional over the finals of Wimbledon every year, see me cry when I talk about passages of my favorite books, the mere mention of Africa, movies that I think got it right with something that matters to me, see me be happy that other players are going to get to shine but still cry because no Tiger for what seems like ever, see me get teary over a Michael Phelps commercial, see me cry and scream watching Simon Whitfield come out of the water, watch me tear up sending emails and snail mail to people I care about telling them how awesome they are and not expecting a response. I could go on and on but I think you get the point. I cry, and it isn’t because I am weak and I’m finally learning to be comfortable with just how deeply I feel and how it affects me and how my body chooses to release that joy with tears but they are tears of passion for the things I love.

Been sick, been tired, been hiding and other Confessions

Published on April 30, 2008 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

When I get sick I am a pretty big baby combine that with seasonal allergies and night time barfing and things have been fantastic!

Boooo last Friday I had to cancel therapy re: being sick, no girl time re: being sick and I had only been looking forward to that for WEEKS! Adam is sick as well so we’ve been passing this shit back and forth and at first I wasn’t snotty I just felt EXTRA balloon migraine head with MILD head cold, NOW I’m getting full head cold and snotty. YAY! I’ve been having really awesome night sweats as well and I haven’t been forgetting to take my crazy people tits and so therefore I can not pin point a reason other than being SICK.

sleeping... in MY SPOT!

In other news, The Greeper has a new place that she likes to sleep. Pretty exciting shit eh? I know, I thought so too until it turned out she’s serious and has taken over half the spot I sleep in. She has of course had other phases, other places she goes back to. The fashion box, the tent, I’m sure she will get bored of sleeping right below BUT almost ON my pillow soon.

bottom of a yawn

oh yes, she has her own TENT! complete with hanging bell.

Our camera is not back from being fixed yet so we had to buy a back up one. We couldn’t delay the monkeys any more due to lack of photos, but at the same time we HAVE to be able to take photos of our product. This issue of course led us into a discussion of other things that could happen to slow us down, when we are just about done with a lot of the start up necessities and can now work on picking up our production pace. I mentioned that there would come a time that we’d make a monkey, look at it, hate it or it would not meet our quality standards and we’d have to start over. Really, did I say that out loud? Because it happened the monkey after I said it! YAY! We have informed the buyer, I figure honesty is best, there is only two of us and both of us had a hand in it sucking so we’ve had to start over. Now we have a physically challenged monkey in our apartment, at least Dr. Vegas finally has a monkey that isn’t going anywhere to play with mostly because it is blind and can’t speak. Once that red thread goes on for the mouth the suckers don’t shut up. Banana this, poo in your face that.

My Dad is supposed to be dropping two boxes of stuff off to Adam and I on Saturday, some of my stuff, some stuff they are giving us, some stuff that has been in the family forever that I am taking because I’m the last member of our family and I don’t want it leaving the family till I die I guess. Small problem though, my Dad and I got into one of our infamous fights today. Oh how I love them. Always in regards to the exact same issue(s) hidden by topics seemingly cloaked in difference that spread years, weeks, months some just days – we some how manage to piss each other off regularly even when not in big fights. My mom is going to be all upset now and that’ll be my entire fault too, I’m sure. Super awesome, we both resort to behavior befitting that of two year olds and just generally spin in circles for a while. Fun times. We have worked hard on things as a family but my Dad and I, man we’ll just always scrap, sadly that is just how we are, we can’t seem to communicate in any sort of healthy way. Wonder how many more phases this move to Bali holds in store for us.

Just finished my fifth book of the year leaving me three behind my minimum quota for 2008, I will get off my ass and post on them soon. This year has been good so far aside from The Time Travelers Wife. EWWWW.

Where I keep it real like Life

Published on March 18, 2008 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

HOLY we are sooooo busy but some things need to be said so I must get on saying some of them!!

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First off to my Bowl for Big Brothers sponsors I will be bowling on Thursday. There will be photographic evidence although I do not want any because I am so thin right now I don’t even like going outside it feels like everyone is staring at me and not in a good way.

Truth is some of my ridiculous actions got me rightfully tossed off the team. But I will still bowl oh yes I will bowl!

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You may be asking yourself why I didn’t just take the post down, but I think now after having had a lot of time to think about it I’m leaving it up as an example of what not to do during a very bad break down brought on by the harbouring and keeping of secrets I should never have been told and allowing fear and jealously compounded by other things in my life I’m super happy about – both are those types of things in life that have seriously good pros with just as equally bad cons – to take over my life.

If there is one thing I HAVE TO STOP doing it is harbouring I have to learn how to tell people how I feel for real. Even if it sucks, because even though I won’t say anything behind your back that I won’t say to your face the fact is if I am saying it behind your back when I should be saying it to your face, saying it behind your back is also passive aggressive and not too bright because the blogging world is small so I know it is going to get back to whoever anyway and it is probably by then not going to be what I said but a changed let’s play telephone and whisper in each others ears grade seven drama version.

I caused a great disturbance within the force and I am sorry for that. It was wrong to air it out in a post on my blog. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I am not going to dissect which parts I meant and which parts I didn’t mean because I didn’t mean most of it; most of it came from sheer rage. In case you were wondering I have a bad temper. I had stopped saying bad temper and had down graded it to ‘temper’ I honestly did not know that I was still capable of rage like that, rage that was so strong that Adam tried to stop me from doing certain things and was unable to, he could have always restrained me but he didn’t for whatever reason. Rage so strong, scary rage, that doesn’t allow me as much control over my actions as I know that some, if not many, would like to believe I have. All this really means is that taking responsibility for certain things comes with a lot more guilt and embarrassment than it normally would.

Being that I am not ready to forgive myself for all that has happened, I am not ready to ask anyone for forgiveness and regardless the scars run deep on all sides and forgiveness may not even be an option for some actions for some words used.

I do know that one of the most important things I have learned thus far in my almost 31 years is how to laugh at myself and holy crap it rules, and I’ve been working on how to forgive people and forgive myself for things which is something I never ever saw as possible within myself because although I am a very some would say almost too forgiving person I am a person who forgives with BUTS and that is not fair and I’m committed to working on that.

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Being honest with myself although I have made a lot of positive progress over the last year with my shrink, we’ve recently discussed it, obviously – you can’t end up in the hospital and not have it come up in session – I’ve had a relapse. I’m not better yet, I haven’t fully lifted my x-wing fighter out of the pond yet but I’m working on it and feeling better and better every day. I am not freaking out any more. I am stable. I’m still having a bit of anxiety which has caused a ridiculous amount of weight loss that I know I am going to be way over sensitive about for a while because normally when I lose this much weight I’m in shape so I at least have muscles, I don’t have muscles right now it is just a disgusting caved in stomach with hip bones pointing straight out and from behind I look like a dinosaur. I don’t think that I have ever actually been this thin in my adult life. I do not like it at all. My arms look disgusting, my breath is terrible and my size four wedding band that I have already had resized smaller once is too big. But the good news is that the war against my anxiety is back on, and it is back on in a big way.