Archive for the 'For Serious' Category

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You ain’t touching my ass this time

Published on July 10, 2007 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

I was almost late leaving on the journey to my CT Scan destination at UBC Hospital, the same hospital that I had my infamous ass surgery at because I was playing with the ILike application on Facebook. I was catching a cab with my friend Stephanie from her place so I had to go there first. I had to pee really bad when I got there because I had been required to drink a litre of water about an hour and a half before, plus it is HOT here right now so drinking extra water is necessary I couldn’t eat but that was no big deal because who has an appetite in the heat? Not me. We got into a cab with air conditioning and Stephanie talked to the cab driver. She is friendlier than me.

The horrid memories of my ass surgery came rushing back to me because I went in the same entrance but once inside I went in a totally different direction. At the radiology area there were a crap load of people sitting there and I got pretty concerned and almost stressed out that we were going to be there all day and here was Stephanie bringing me there and back in a cab I SO did not want her sitting there forever. Thankfully we were sent down the hall and there was an In Touch magazine there and even though it was from October 2006 none of the gossip is true anyway so it is LIKE new when you have never seen the issue no matter how old anyway. You could see the CT scanner from where we were sitting and everyone getting scans was old.

Right after I took another pee I was taken into an area to get an IV. I really do not like IVs, not at all. But I never saw the needle, this was definitely a bonus. I ask as I always do when they go for my left arm if it is OK that I am left handed because of COURSE the whole room is set up to only put IVs in left arms. Because my luck never fails me I got the nurse, brand new at the hospital, who did know how to put in IVs but she was still being shown where everything was and ‘how they do it’ at UBC Hospital, as I listen to them discuss how it works THERE I am inserted with the IV. Big prick. Little sting. Comments on my tattoo. At first it is just a saline drip, I’m taken right in and lay on the table under the scanner, they put pads on either side of my head but my head was too small to keep in place so they strapped it in and I suddenly felt like I was in A Clockwork Orange but not really just sort of. The first few scans were contrast injection [iodine] free. I tried really hard not to move and didn’t get itchy anywhere and stared up into the massive machine spinning above me until I thought I might get dizzy. When they inject the iodine they come back in and hold your arm to make sure it is going in properly and they give you the warning that you will likely feel heat start at the back of the throat and find its way down the body into the crotch area where it again will feel HOT and MAY feel like you are peeing yourself. Awesome.

There is no warning for what that feels like I sure don’t remember having fire crotch from my scan in 1994 in fact in 1994 I had to hold the tube with iodine in it in my hand with the IV in my arm AND not move so at least the process has come a ways or it may just be that I had that CT scan in Terrace we will never know. The fire crotch was a high point because you really can’t help but laugh, I mean I was laying there flexing my kegels like mad JUST to make sure I was not peeing myself but there was no pleasure it was flat out FIRE CROTCH.

I had to sit with my IV for about ten minutes because the iodine dehydrates you and then I got a band aid on my owie from the IV needle and we went on our way. We had the same cab driver on the way back. And I gotta say thanks again to Stephanie because for a hospital visit and fire crotch in already 30 degree weather it was a pretty damn fun day!

And I don’t even own a scale

Published on June 11, 2007 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

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On Saturday morning an invitation came in on Facebook for my girlfriend Bonny’s birthday. Every year we have our birthdays two days apart. I generally go out for her birthday. But this year I realized I had nothing to wear. But not only did I have nothing to wear nothing I own fits so I couldn’t even pretend to pull off an outfit and I also did not want to wear what I am going to wear for my birthday which will still fit because it was a bit big before.

Having issues with fit is nothing new to me. But in the last seven or so years I have gone from being a size zero and weighing between 100 and 108 lbs to now weighing close to 130 lbs. Due to the stress brought on by our wedding I was very small again when we got married, around 115 lbs. Since the wedding I have gone through A LOT of mental shit but in a lot of ways am feeling comfortable in my life like never before and also being on three medications for depression I’ve put on close to another 15 lbs. Basically when I would fluctuate back and forth between too thin and 115 lbs I could make my closet work there was a enough variety. But now that I have passed 120 lbs other than t-shirts and my size medium underwear nothing fits. This would be perfect if only underwear were considered short shorts and it was a tiny bit warmer here year round. I have been living in yoga pants and track pants, they stretch.

I really don’t give a shit what size you are when your body starts to change in a not so sexy way in your opinion or you put on weight it is hard to stomach and I’m having a lot of trouble looking at my body in the mirror and not saying horrid things about it. When I was a youngin’ I was picked on CONSTANTLY for being ‘too thin’. I was called every name in the book. I had no tits, I somehow always had a butt on me though. But kids are relentless and I almost got beat up once for saying that my jeans would fit some girl because they were size six and huge on me because big baggy pants were in and I just meant they’d fit her, she thought I was calling her fat and sent a posse of fists out after me. I have spent my life mostly choosing to stay out of weight conversations unless they are one on one because being the ‘thin’ one no matter what you say, it is wrong. I have never understood why people used to always feel comfortable spewing out “you are so thin”, “you are so skinny” and thinking it was a compliment. I’m sorry but this is NO different than walking up to someone who is fat and saying “oh my god, you are so fat!” I would never do that so don’t fucking comment on my weight. Although I have never been anorexic or bulimic, you don’t know me you have no idea what sort of keeping weight on issues I might have nor do I know if you have some kind of problems keeping you fat. Being too thin even without the stereotypical things people assume when they see you is JUST as unhealthy as being over weight, there are many other reasons a person on the thin side could have problems keeping weight on if they want to which there always were with me. The intensity of my anxiety can cause me to drop 10 lbs in a week. NOT HEALTHY.

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Now, to be honest until recently I was very arrogant about my body and used to think it was pretty hot, as I was told it was many ‘good’ things once I hit my twenty’s, I’d go so far as to say there was no way I would ever lose my natural six pack even when I wasn’t working out. I was always well aware of when I was too thin due to my depression though, it was still a double edged sword. When I was too thin and I knew it was due to depression and people made comments about it, I played it off, knowing there was nothing I could do, but it made me feel like shit, on display, singled out and disliked JUST because I was thin. When I was eating two burgers a day and receiving the same comments and knew I wasn’t too thin it still made me feel like shit but I flaunted it to hide my insecurities because when you are viewed as a ‘hot body’ by males and ‘too thin’ by women and not a whole person for a large portion of your life your self perception gets warped and your values in relation to why people like you became shaded and you can get lost in offering yourself to people in ways you never normally would just to be accepted.

Because I have been feeling so negative about my shape and flabby belly and thigh skin I have started to work out and run again but running is at the mercy of my knee. This is the first year in my life I am dreading putting on a bathing suit.

Due to having one pair of jeans I can wear, but are still too tight in the waist, I thought there would be SOMETHING to wear ‘out’ but after trying on pairs of pants after pairs of pants and just NOTHING fitting, I was feeling worse and worse, I started crying, Adam gave me a hug. But then I dug into a bag of clothes where I knew there was a pair of pants that I bought when I was little miss corporate girl and got them a size too big and tried them on, they’re a size 6 and were still too small but they would do. I had to take them in for emergency same day hemming. Now for a shirt. Again nothing, everything I used to wear out was too short too tight or too bar star for my age. It was raining harder than cats and dogs but we hoofed it to The Bay after tearing the closet completly apart and found a kick ass shirt I love. I don’t feel any better about my body, but I had a good evening and my shirt looked sweet.

I obviously have to learn to accept my new size which I KNOW when I am in my rational mind is not fat but disliking my body is new to me, and having a closet and dresser FULL of clothes that don’t fit, I just don’t care what size you are it is depressing.

Published on February 12, 2007 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

Ever since I got married I have become even more of a recluse and even more unreliable when it comes to making plans and things in my everyday life. I used to be a really reliable person and am still always there if someone needs me needs me but as far as seeing and spending time with my friends my world is almost strictly on-line and even there I am lacking in email responses and sending emails period and etc. I never answer my phone anyway so that doesn’t count I don’t even know why because I used to love the phone I talked on it endlessly then I had a job where people swore at me on the phone and yelled at me and since then I have wanted nothing to do with it and my friends do not normally call to yell and swear at me so it must be related to my antisocial ness and that is also an excuse. People who have known me a long time know I mean nothing by it but it frustrates them none the less. I have never been the type of person who wants to talk to anyone EVERY day. Cept for Adam. I have a really hard time with close interpersonal relationships so I don’t see a problem going a few days weeks or months with little or no contact. The narcissist in me just expects people to get that. I tend to let people down a lot and cancel at the last minute but at the time I make the plans I honestly believe I can and will participate in them and then as the date quickly approaches I come up sometimes legitimate excuses to miss whatever it is or sometimes I just don’t go because I feel I physically can’t and lets face it I am just a canceler. I am never surprised when people cancel on me and generally expect it due to my behavior and wonder why people put up with me.

See, I don’t like going to other peoples places because of my social anxiety and my OCD issues. I can hide both I just get sick of it. And during the week I HATE having people come over because I like to go to bed [very] early and feel rude. On weekends I don’t mind but I am a very crap hostess and generally forget to even offer my friends water when they come over and sometimes I feel anxious when I start to get tired and want people to leave, I believe that must be common feeling though, not knowing how to get people the hell out of your home when you are DONE hostessesssing. In my [i]personal[/i] life you could say I have a problem leaving my house at times but I’ve starting writing lists and they really help me get the hell out of here. I checked off almost all of today’s things and moved some to tomorrow.

I like to be a hermit but it has made me become a little flakey, and I really never used to be a flakey, brush you off kind of person unless I hate you but I think it is also getting married related. I lived alone for a very long time with a cat before settling down and being an only child I have never minded being alone unless I had just been dumped and was suffering a broken heart. It makes being a good friend hard though sometimes and I feel genuinely bad about that a lot more than my friends probably realize about the canceling all the time and etc, but I am FULL of excuses. If my friends lives were in constant crisis I’d be the best friend ever because I am a very good problem solver / advice giver. (WHEN ASKED or NEEDED)

I am very selfish as you can see by the above but we sometimes become what we learn growing up and I was very alone growing up and hated it and now as an adult I love it and am going through the realization that now I will never be alone because Adam promised me HE WILL NEVER DIE and so I feel stuck. Not stuck with him just stuck trying to start my new path as Mrs. Carlson who doesn’t have to be hermitty like Ms. Liscumb but so far I just want to stay in and be married and play Guitar Hero and it is nothing personal and friends in my life who suffer from depression also do this avoidance shit to me too and I get mad and then I remember I do it to them so isn’t that proof that it isn’t personal? It would just be a lot more fun if I didn’t feel guilty about it because the novelty is not wearing off but it gets really lonely too.

This post has been brought to you by the word GUILT.

Published on June 14, 2006 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

/></p> <p>Happy Birthday to ME! Today I turned into a Zombie. No one told me that happened when you turn 29 but the picture makes it pretty obvious.</p> <p>On the day that I was born the angels got together and decided to make being crazy legal.</p> <p>Today Donald Trump is 60. I have better hair.</p> <p><a title=Today is also International Webloggers Day an unofficial holiday celebrated worldwide on June 14, bringing webloggers from around the world together to celebrate a year’s worth of changing the way the Internet sees personal journalism. The offical site ishere.

Today is also America’s Flag Day! I AM FROM CANADIA though!!! (aka Canada)

I also shared my birthday with my Grandmother before she passed.

Lots of cool stuff has happened over the years on June 14th but one of the cooler things I found on Wikipedia happened in 1937 – Pennsylvania becomes the first (and only) of the United States to celebrate Flag Day officially as a state holiday.

I’m related to the dude who founded Pennsylvania so that probably makes me more a vampire than a zombie. You decide.

This is my birthday post from last year.