I’ve always all but needed music in my life to function. I have memories of being grounded as a kid and grounded for me meant the only thing I was allowed to do was read. This may or may not be why I love reading. Could have gone either way on that one, I think. The first records I remember loving were my Sesame Street ones, when left unattended I can see myself jumping around on my bed and rocking out hard, getting to listen to John Denver and the Muppets could turn into some boisterous bed jumping extravaganzas as well. If I got in trouble for jumping on my bed to different variations of Jim Henson creations I’ve blocked it out and all that is left is seeing myself in slow motion feeling it, loving it. So when I’d get grounded I have these memories of lying on the floor with the volume as low as it would go, just to hear that damn rubber ducky song ONE MORE TIME. I had that record player a long time, it of course saw the purchase of my first REAL record, Thriller. My first tape was Madonna, True Blue. Some of my first real jobs where in very low level roles selling music and ordering music for retail stores.

Recently Adam and I wear talking about music videos, I told him something I had never told him before, it wasn’t major just something I used to do so I could hear my songs that I didn’t want to buy tapes for. I was in love with Much Music and used to watch the station for hours with a tape in the VCR and my hand on the record button so that when a song came on I could instantly record it, even though I couldn’t get the same kind of volume out of the TV as I could from my [by this time] tape player. It was awesome to me because all my favourite songs and videos where at my finger tips which also made it so much easier for impromptu dance routines. And back then artists and bands cared more about what they were putting out there in regards to videos, now a lot of people get all caught up in the production and forget about the song.

I was originally going to post five videos, but when I started to think about the videos I have picked for this post It didn’t go in the direction I had intended it to, which was basically new videos that reminded me of old videos or what I want to see in music videos something that at least feels like it was made for me, the listener, and not a sales pitch.

Right, let’s get to it, shall we?

Bat for Lashes – What’s a Girl to Do? (2007)

I started listening to Bat for Lashes last year, I’m late to the table on a lot of good music these days, there is simply so much shit out there and I get lost in my folk music and every now and then pull my head out of my ass long enough to discover new to me talent. Given that I spent a good portion of my youth taping videos onto meticulously labeled VHS tapes, I feel I know a good music video when I see one.

This video struck me for many reasons, first of all I adore the song, I don’t remember how I came upon it but I know the first time I watched it, I watched it in awe, didn’t take my eyes off the screen. I don’t go so far as to wiki this shit, I was obsessed as a teen because getting ahold of music was so different back then, especially in the North. I don’t know anything about this video except what I think of it. Having worked in T.V. though, I can not even imagine how hard that two minutes and fifty eight seconds was to film, I am going to go with NOT EASY. The timing is impeccable, originality used with such deceiving simplicity, even the sweater she is wearing, I love it. There was a time when I also hung out with various boys in the Vancouver courier scene who were all about tricks and impressing girls, receptionists from the city centre, myself being one of them, they’d take me for rides on their handlebars, that is of course until till the next cute receptionist came along..

Peter Bjorn And John – Young Folks (2006)

The only thing separating us from hipsters is about fifty grand. I heard Adam playing this song one day before I ever saw the video and the whistling caught my ear because Adam can’t whistle so I wasn’t sure why he was torturing himself with this until I peaked over and found a suitably ironic video unfolding before me, not really an original idea but there was still something that made me want to watch it, over and over again. This video is detailed, the drummer’s Hulk t-shirt, polyester, timeless behavior by good ol’ young folks, we were even discussing the other day how when you are young it feels like everyone is in a band. Catchy tune, fantastic video, allows me many an opportunity to whistle in Adam’s ears, it sticks out to me, seems really thought through; drawing it was probably full of shits and giggles, maybe some safety meetings.

R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts (1993)

This video was on a lot of my VHS tapes. This has always been a go to song and video for me when I need to cry and can’t. Sometimes I’ll watch the video when I want to kill myself, I’ll have a good cry and call it a day. Message received. This video and I have been through a lot together. This song was there when it wasn’t enough and there I was in the hospital for over a week, stomach pumped, leaving my body somewhere separate from my wondering mind that wanted nothing to do with what I had done, what I was, the pain, and the fallout. Everybody Hurts. This song took on even more meaning for me after losing my buddy to the big S. I used to think you could know someone, even if you couldn’t read their minds, another reason I have always loved the message that I perceive from this video, from a symbolic place of relating to the thoughts offered up by the personalities brought to the video. Suffering from depression and feeling forced into silence for so long I wanted a car door to open for me. And now, this video epitomizes my feelings, learned the hard way, my personal feelings, that you can never ever truly know anyone, we can only truly ever know ourselves. And how many people can even honestly say that they really know themselves?

I started this hanging my hanky out of my pocket thing in Bali and seem to be keeping it up back in my home country. I am not trying to be cool or make any kind of fashion statement, we only allow nose tissue in here if we are really sick and have fire nose and thus have both switched to hankies. I say that wearing a leather belt, it was a gift, so it shall not be denied the awesomeness that is the attached guitar belt buckle. Like my Browns boots I got em before I went as green as we can afford to go.

It is hard when you have Ninja knee high socks AND Unicorns to say that you’ve found a pair that are cooler BUT I did. These socks have red foxes on the feet and happy little mushrooms and little trees and if I ever got a chance to meet Neko Case I would wear them and be sure and show them to her.  It isn’t my fault that they also match the t-shirt I got the first of four times that I have seen her live being the Fox Confessor Brings the Flood tour, the only other group I have ever seen that many times is the local super star husband and wife pairing that make up Mojave [I have their t-shirt too].

Dr. Vegas is taking a huge liberty here in wearing the very naked Hunter S. Thompson’s frames that will be the aviators he is being made.  You will also have a hard time not noticing that this is the first time that Dr. Vegas has appeared without his mask in quit some time, in fact if memory serves the last time he was photographed without it was because he was pretending to be Woody Guthrie.  Adam and I were just saying that Dr. Vegas is on a journey of some sort right now. I wasn’t the only one changed forever by a trip to Bali.

“He hasn’t been completely the same since he got back” said [father] Mr. Adam Carlson just as this was going to print.

Gus was very into the Wii and watched us play a lot.

If you’ve ever wondered if I’m an energetic person even though I claim to be a hermit though I also claim to be a runner and doer of the yoga and a player of the golf, then this video is for you.

C.J do check out the tunage in the Adam bowling videeeeo. Although seriously WTF, she is NOT growing on me AT ALL. We are really into iTunes Genius mixes right now, because I loaded the entire CD library onto the computer and C.J very generously gave us some CDs, Joanna Newsome shows up a lot, and it is never a good ending.

And get this, I’m going to backup all the music, soon.

Tis the season to look wrecked in photos.

Just because I have a hard time letting in new things doesn’t mean I don’t listen to good music (I can hear C.J. cringing across the pond). I used to claim I liked a little bit of everything but when C.J, Adam and I discussed the topic of people who say the will listen to anything I discovered I do not in fact like a little bit of everything. Quite the contrary.

50s and 60s Adam and I are pretty much on the same page music wise. 70s we veer off at Barry Manilow. Let’s just say it’s a testament to our marriage that we have no internet on our phones, one t.v., no working MP3 player and one computer, OH and let us not forget I’m an only child and I don’t share good. The t.v. and the laptop are generally in the same room, the only room other than the bedroom.

We had a 50s 60s and 70s station on one day, if we are working on monkeys or cleaning these are the easiest for us to agree on before we come into a situation where our love of music has to be enough to get us through each others playlists and keep an open mind to maybe even liking some new songs. No doubt I end up liking more stuff Adam listens to than he does me BUT I did introduce him to Tool and John Denver, so top that.

Rarely do lyrics the first time you hear a song stop you dead in your tracks. But this deep, sensuous, dirty, am I hearing these words right 70s soul started to embed itself into my cranium and when I looked at Adam I could tell instantly he was having the exact same what the fuck am I hearing reaction.

Ill be the other woman
All your life
Just as long as I am the only one
Other than your wife
Your wife how would she feel
If she caught us together
The same way I would feel
if I caught you with another
Home I know comes first
And second to that Ill be
When youre not there with her
I want you right here with me

Ill be the other woman
Just as long as I know
Im the only other woman
You make love to
Ill be the other woman
But Ive got to know
Im the only other woman
You make love to

The neighbors are whispering
Saying that you dont care
If you cheat on your wife for me
Youll cheat on me for someone else
Ill be your part time love
But thats as far as Ill go
To be your part time fool
Would be stooping a little too low
Loving a married man
This I really dont mind
But a married Casanova
Is a little out of my line

Ill be the other woman
Just as long as I know
Im the only other woman
You make love to
Ill be the other woman
long as I know
Im the only other woman
Ill open doors for you baby
long as I know
Im the only other woman
you make love to
Ill be your part time love
Ive got to know
Im the only other woman
you make love to
Oh yes I will
Yes I will

Here is a YouTube video so you can get a feel for how catchy soulful and awesome it is, but it doesn’t make it any less disturbing.

Now we are both addicted and can not stop listening to this song by The Soul Children and laughing. We aren’t assholes, I’ve even been the other woman but nobody was married so It wasn’t a home wrecker type situation it was a we lived in different provinces, we were both in our twenties and if he wanted to fly out to see me and tell his girlfriend he was going to see his grandmother and other choice lies then let him situation. At that age, I didn’t see the big deal, plus he made me feel like I was the main woman. But when it comes to marriage this song just kills me. When the relationship with his girlfriend ended, she still does not know about me and writing this she still won’t trust me or I would not be writing this, we tried to commit but because I ended up looking at him as more of a fall back guy, while I dated as well, I couldn’t trust him to be faithful to me after we had both been unfaithful from the very beginning. It was an extremely interesting three plus years but when it ended it ended badly. I never want to feel jealousy like that again in my life. In fact I’d have to say that is one of the things I learned the most about myself is how destructive jealousy can be.

This reminds me, I’m one of the lucky ones, if this were the 70s I may have gotten into some real trouble but the only other female I have to be jealous of in Adam’s life is Gus and that bitch better watch it too.

Up until yesterday I had avoided writing the word epic anywhere and I had also avoided saying it. I knew it would happen just like it did with fail, damn catchy one syllable words.  When I can only vomit so many words into what we all now know of as status updates these annoying words do come in handy. If you think fail is bad let’s just hope you don’t have to put an EPIC in front of it like I did last night.

Now I do admit, after having just seen her FRONT ROW CENTER the ordeal that was getting my tickets or my PAID stamp rather does seem a wee bit trivial. And it was my forth time and all. Adam’s fifth as he saw her with The New Pornographers.

Three different sets of information told me that the will call would open at five. And back on March 3^rd when I bought the tickets Adam had the audacity to not only put the idea in my head but convince me that we could get front row. I was upset it was open seating I don’t like open seating I don’t like festival in a park setting seating. I bought tickets early off her site because I am an insane fan like that and so they went through Etix.com and I’m not upset with anyone in particular it just turned into this epic adventure trying to maintain my place in line, FIRST, and get my tickets. I got there only thirty minutes before I thought will call was going to open.  I was extremely excited there was no way I wasn’t going to be able to go straight from the front of the will call line to the front of the have tickets line and make front row, or so I thought sitting there until five o’clock came there were people starting to arrive but there was NO WILL CALL.

Meanwhile I am totally stressing out, thankfully I took two extra milligrams of clonazepam which must have helped because it turned out will call didn’t open until six and I didn’t put a cap in anyone’s ass, and who CARES that I was there at 4:30pm anymore stuck, FIRST, in the bull shit will call line.  FINALLY very nicely and patiently we Etix.com people were given the correct information as they were under the same incorrect impression as I was. Will call would not be open until six, I still wasn’t impressed, whatever, I just spent three months with Adam planning different strategies on how to get front row no biggie.

I had never participated in a plan of this sort before because I normally arrive around half way through the opener of concerts on account of my headaches not on account of being rude although I understand that it is rude.

Enter here, Jessica and Sara both within close proximity of each other and because of this we start to plot together and I explain my situation, Jessica who was the first of the two to arrive sits at the front of the has tickets line with Sara and says she will save me a spot which was of course the awesomest nicest thing ever BUT I had too much adrenaline running through me to really calm down about the whole fiasco because even when will call opened there was a bunch of us standing there with print outs from Etix.com and they had NO tickets for us and had to go find people.  WHO wants to deal with that when you’re excited, and you got there super early. I am NEVER doing will call or not going through ticket master again it was just not worth the money saved with the stress added to my already anxiety filled body.

Had it not been for Jessica and Sara arriving exactly when they did I’d likely NOT have been able to have kept my first place in line and I thank them A LOT. Sara and I are already Facebook friends. When it came down to it, including Adam the four of us worked together for the first four front and center seats it was pretty remarkable to have gotten them.  I don’t think I will ever go that extent for open seating again I’ve seen her enough times now.

The show itself was sensational. My only complaint about front row is that I couldn’t see their shoes so until they walked off stage I didn’t noticed that Kelly Hogan had to die for red heels on and Neko had on Black Cons.  I don’t dress up anymore for her shows, I did for the first one but she always comes out in black pants or jeans and some kind of t-shirt or black top.  She doesn’t seem to be a dress up kinda gal.

It was really nice to hear a completely new set and arrangement, having seen the Fox Confessor tour or variations of it three times this set was very refreshing, I enjoyed the older songs added and the songs off the new album were prefect.  It was nice to hope, to wonder what, and want her to play certain songs and not having the faintest idea of what was coming, like the first time.

There are more photos on my Flickr.

Tis one thing to miss a concert of a new friend tis another to miss the CD Release party for the second full album of now official said friend.  As I tell people when they are like as if you have social anxiety if you get me out the door nine times out of ten I’m fine, plus I started to drink beer again, in extreme moderation but that does still give me loose drinking lips, but I’ve never cared much about those, my sober filter is almost as lacking anyway.

I slapped on my new blue dress over my newly not a skinny bitch just a bitch now body and headed out the door in my yellow shoes with my handsome husband.  Cost us all of ten bucks to get in and we bought the new CD which they all signed for us once I removed the 100% biodegradable film; Mojave take their pledge to the Earth extremely serious. It is pretty inspiring and made me all happy to have been wearing shoes made fully of man made materials.

I guess it goes without saying that Mojave are a local Vancouver band but I will say it anyway, Mojave are a local Vancouver band, and not only is the CD fantastic, not only are they great live, not only was it really cool to see how many of their fans came out for their party it is great that they are all down to earth and cool people.

Although we are getting better at outdoor photos we still both really suck at indoor photos and there was almost no lighting so for great band photos you want to go to PatZ flickr, these are just silly we’re dicking around although still TRYING to learn how to get this fucking thing to work indoors pictures.

Mojave play next on the 24^th of June in Vancouver at The Cellar, and their Crow’s Funeral tour starts near the end of August.

Listen and enjoy a sample of Mojave here
Buy and enjoy the new Mojave CD here
Follow Mojave on Twitter here
Read and subscribe to the Mojave blog here
Enjoy the brand new official Mojave site here

What happened next is what happens to every person who gets a bodysuit; you end up listening to Olivia Newton John and dancing around your apartment to Physical. Oh right I am pretty out of my mind right now and going through a seriously serious family crisis, it’s just me.  So I ended up taking some photos, Adam liked said photos, that was Friday.

Yesterday I ended up playing my Blip.fm list which now contains Physical and decided to do a play by play of how I ended up in the bodysuit the day before. But by this time Adam had put the Physical video on YouTube and I was reminded that there are headbands worn in the original so I made sure to include them in mine as well.

He always spoke highly of you she said and a bunch of other stuff about how he felt about me I don’t remember but I remember already knowing that he’d felt them for me for real but not real enough I guess.  It only took me six years to feel the betrayal to feel the anger and it is intense beyond anything I thought would come when I thought that sure it would be hard every year but this year it is hell.

N must have come back from the gym but I don’t remember, my next memory is sitting down on the couch at 1066 West Hastings, we always used to laugh that I worked at that address, Pierre-Henri a man from France, knew his history.  I sat there balling my eyes out watching the couriers come in and out of building wondering if they knew, yet.

I got sent home from work that day; I didn’t know I was even crying I was numb.

Between the sexual assault in my own home and PH committing suicide a few months later, something broke in me and I have never been anyone anymore. I’m just out there floating around in a bubble I have only been able to form three healthy attachments one being to my therapist which we discussed and C.J, I don’t remember how long exactly he was here for but we spent almost all of his time here together and he is like the brother I never ever had, he is the only person I have ever met aside from PH that I have not tried to self sabotage the relationship, holy fuck I just realized that right now. The best is he is coming back to Vancouver and soon! Then of course there is Adam with whom I was able to bond with because our pasts are similar and I knew he was the one the very first day I walked past him on Hastings Street.  The very first time I saw him smile.

But the truth today is that I am miserable I don’t care what or how much I have or don’t have I mean if my dad only knew how bad it really is he probably wouldn’t even admit I came from his sperm, cause on top of not working outside the house or at all, not doing the dishes and not cooking I also haven’t cleaned since like before I went to Ontario,  I shower only when absolutely necessary, I’ve let one actual other human in here, when the fuzz on my teeth gets annoying I brush my teeth, I don’t feel like reading, or watching movies, playing video games or going outside so I sit at the computer and  stare at it I read a few but only a few blog posts off my feed because that entails reading I don’t care that I’ve been wearing this Led Zeppelin T-shirt longer than the last one I wore because I can’t even remember what shirt it was, the drugs I’m prescribed, they aren’t working and they are running out and that is a problem. I don’t like this place I’m in and I’m boxed in good and tight. I have rage and hate and little love right now. I still can not let my husband touch me it is has been a long long time now I haven’t even had a real hug from anyone because I can’t have one and I don’t know why he sticks with me I don’t. I want HIM to hold me but then I’d have to feel it. Feel the goodness and the love and I can’t. And when I am not doing that I sit on the couch with the shitty lovers knot quilt staring off into space and smoking joints like I’m stuck in some horrible dream where I will never reach my thirties but it is too late they are already flying by while I’m doing nothing but listening to music and pushing ingrown hairs out of my legs.

*Lyrics Neko Case, Hold on Hold on