Archive for the 'Running' Category

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It only took 13 years

Published on May 13, 2010 by Corinna Carlson | 14 Comments

Last weekend I overcame a thirteen year fear. It is something that for years I have tried to tell myself I could get over but was never able to. For those who don’t know, in 1997 I was on vacation in The Cook Islands and on my second to last day there I crashed my motor scooter and landed on my head. The pavement was wet and I went into a roll, my shoulder took the brunt of the fall snapping my collarbone and did some sweet damage to my right knee.

at the base of the peak.

where we hiked. ~ The Needle

We had done the cross Island hike to The Needle, the peak on the island of Raratonga, and because we each had our own scooter we left one at each end of the trail to make it easier to get back to the house where we were staying. We got lost on the hike and ended up scaling roots and rocks and were beat when we got to the bottom. Even had we not have gotten lost, it is still a full days worth of hiking. We were covered in mud and pretty pleased, it had been a really amazing day. We picked up the other scooter and as we were leaving for home it started to pour rain. I was not wearing a helmet.

At the time, Air New Zealand was the only airline with the rights to fly into Raratonga, leaving the Island a diamond in the rough in those days. I haven’t been in the travel industry for a good while now and could still probably sell a trip there just from talking about how awesome it is, lets just say Bali has NOTHING on it, not ONE thing. When I rented the scooter I rented it FIRST and DROVE to the license place, no lesson no nothing. My parents had been there the year before so my dad showed me the basics and I learned how to use it myself, and fast, they drive on the other side of the road there too.

My dad was in front of me and because of the rain I had my head dipped slightly as to not get water on my sunglasses, rendering me unable to see. He slowed down to hit a pot hole and I looked up too late, hit my front brakes and the bike slid out from underneath me so fast the next thing I remember is my head hitting the pavement. I remember the whole accident minus the sound, I have no memory of any sound and apparently I was swearing my ass off and freaking out at myself, calling myself stupid for crashing, how could I have let this happen… whatever it was relayed to me after and I was sort of embarrassed over how many f-bombs I had apparently dropped but not really I was after all in complete shock.

I was taken to hospital in what passes for an ambulance there – the back of a pickup truck with the universal red cross sign on it. Even with a piece of bone sticking up out of my arm and the fact that lifting it was agony it was according to them not broken, no x-rays, they cleaned up my road rash and sent me home.

i may be smiling but i am in shock and broken.

(please note the OLD SCHOOL Nike Pegasus runners before they were discontinued but were thankfully brought back a few years ago now, they’ve always been my favourite shoe to run in)

kinda glad i took a teddy bear.

I rode horses as a kid and had some pretty bad falls and throws and I ALWAYS got back up on the horse even though I was never a huge fan of riding, it was one of those things my parents must have thought would be good for me I guess, I never thought crashing that motor scooter would evoke so much fear in me that biking would simply exit my life completely, and roller blades FORGET about it! Unfortunately the image of my head hitting the pavement played over in my mind like a broken record, I can still see every moment of that crash like it was yesterday.  No matter how hard I tried to block it out, it would not leave, still today it isn’t gone.

The more years that passed the less likely I thought it was that I would ever ride a bike again. When my parents moved to Bali my dad left me with his old mountain bike that I rode as a kid as one of my cross trainers for running. It sat in the living room, then it was in the bedroom, my mom even bought us both helmets, then it went down to storage and then Phaedra needed a bike so we lent it to her and once we lent it to her I started to feel really left out, not by her, but by myself. I’m not a pussy I’ve been hurt badly before, I define clumsy, but that has never stopped me before.

By the time she was finished with the bike I was determined to get back on it. I can’t afford to swim right now so that is out as a cross trainer and in order for me to be able to run injury free because I have injured myself so badly racing in the past I HAVE to cross train and the bike was my only FREE option.

Last weekend, thanks to the support and encouragement of Phaedra and Adam I got back on the bike; I DID IT!

I was a little wobbly at first, and it took a few tries to get the seat right as I gauged how comfortable I felt and what was going to work best for keeping my hips stretching out nicely with each turn of the pedals. It felt so amazing to be back out there, it felt like I can for serious get back to running, Yoga just is not enough to strengthen the damage I have done to my right I/T Band but with Yoga, cycling AND starting slow again with a run / walk / run program I should be running 44 minute 10ks again in NO TIME! YAY!

I’m seeing a few bizarre things and having some horrible bloody thoughts running through my head while I’m riding but I’ve been out for three rides already, all well over an hour and have managed to keep my fears in check.

So without further ado, ME back on the bike! Here I am on my first ride out.

My second ride, we went in the same direction but i picked up the pace.

I know, I know BARF city, but hey, we work hard at staying happy together and finding yet another activity to do together (with Adam on blades) is beyond awesome. Things have been extremely hard since January and having a free active thing that isn’t walking to get out and do is already proving to RULE. I can’t help it, I am pretty proud of myself.

I like this picture because it looks like I’m wearing a CAPE.

cape!

Third ride was around the Sea Wall with Phaedra and Adam. I was more nervous on this one than the first, parts of the wall are really narrow and ODDLY people on the Sea Wall are NOT as polite as the people are when you are riding along the wall that goes through False Creek. I have never found people on the Stanley Park Sea Wall polite in all of the years I have used it, but having ridden twice towards False Creek I had gotten it into my head that all of a sudden everyone was wearing polite pants. ON YOUR RIGHT, ON YOUR LEFT. Nope, people on the Sea Wall would rather just run you over, or pretend you aren’t there, nothing has changed.

Just the way it is

Published on April 23, 2009 by Corinna Carlson | 11 Comments

I discovered today that I haven’t blogged in a seriously long time. Which on one hand I know is fine because it is one less blog coming through your feed but on the second hand I get all backed up with word head and walk around because I walk every where I go unless the weather is HORRID, writing blog posts in my head and talking to myself in blog post speak out loud and then forget what my word head post was about and I don’t end up posting or I have so many word head posts I don’t know where to start because I did have writers block, sort of, still do but things I would tell the internet are starting to come back.

It is pretty bizarre being in a place where I’m so depressed I’m suicidal sally but scared to post just how bad I feel in fear of someone phoning emergency medical services on me which wouldn’t be bad so much as it would be just a waste of time, Adam is here I have a psychiatrist but I’m running into my honesty for example on my outwardly violent PAST being used against me to a point that has made me for the positive re-evaluate a lot and I mean a lot of things and it has made it hard to post. It never ever used to be that way.

It is hard to be so depressed that you picture and see yourself dead every day I wonder how I get that low it seems almost impossible to me to feel so good one minute and just want to slit my wrists and have to hand the razors to Adam as I finally get in the shower with tears streaming down my face hating hating hating feeling feeling feeling too much pain.

I was thinking how, come August 2007 I will have been chronically pretty severely depressed for two full years, it blows my mind I haven’t felt good for more than approximately five days in a row since 2007.  And as usual I recognize I’ve got a good husband and I’ve got a good cat and I’ve got good friends it is my bloody rubbish head you see it just won’t let me be me at times that subsequently work for me. I lack balance and structure, I’ve had them both, I LOVE lists and have a day planner and then I let them slip away just like when I’m feeling good it’ll be two pm plus and I’ll remember you need drugs to keep feeling that good take em honey or it won’t last the rest of the day let alone five. (hopefully more this go)

I’m taking the good right now, I’ve managed to get back into Yoga but with it being tax season I won’t be officially back till Monday, I got all the tax shit done wanted to drink Drano when I saw what we owed after I’d worked my ass off giving the stupid damn government our money all year, we’ve been golfing as shown below and on my flickr, I’ve been speed walking and not experiencing ANY I/T band pain which is awesome I’m trying not to get too excited because I REALLY push myself when I walk and I walk long distances and if the I/T band pain stays away and I can run FAR at FAST paces again OMFG I will be the happiest girl on EARTH. I’ve also managed to pack on at LEAST 10 to 15 pounds – I am ecstatic, three different people have told me I look good and fit and I BELIEVE IT! My tits and ass are hanging out of my bras and panties and seeing as my clothes have been falling off for almost a year I’ll fucking take it. I think I’ll be fine with my bras mini cleavage on the mini rack is great but my butt not fitting in my underpants only works for Adam’s viewing pleasure.

In closing I made VLogBlog three yesterday on Earth Day, I am wearing triple green, sports top, v-neck t-shirt and snazzy Asian slippers from China town. I’ll give you the set up: I attempt a taste test with Gus, containing Whiskas Dentabites Complete Oral Care and Feline Greenies.  She is too old to be put under for a teeth cleaning and she hasn’t been as excited about the Feline Greenies which are the fancy ones. Hence I decided an experiment was in order.

And before I go I am very much in love with this old quote:

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.
— Marilyn Monroe

Agoraphobic Tendencies

Published on January 15, 2009 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

For me it is all about getting myself out that door. Once I open the door, lock it behind me and find myself in the hallway, and my feet are walking down the stairs I know I am 90% there.

I think that of everything that comes with my depression I find the agoraphobia and the social anxiety the most frustrating and the most expensive. It is worth mentioning that I had no problems with agoraphobia or any sort of social anxieties until I was unfortunately sexually assaulted in my own home in May 2002.  From a few days after the attack till this moment that I sit here writing this, anxiety and I co-exist together whether I like it or not.

I was going to Yoga regularly until I went away to Ontario [in October and November] and I haven’t been able to return since I got back. Not without trying mind you.  Shortly after I discovered that I could in fact leave the house at least once a week for something that I fell in love with pretty quickly I informed the instructor of my issues, I didn’t have to tell her about my poor posture that is pretty obvious but I did mention the broken collar bone and subsequent surgery from 1999 and how I blew my I/T band out in 2002 and went on to not only run and train on it but run my first half marathon on it. Stupid right, but so are father / daughter rivalries and had I not finished that race, not that I’m not a failure in his eyes already but at that time there was no way I was going to let him have the satisfaction of my not finishing. And thanks to arrogant ignorance on my part I may never run again.  I never told her the shit about my dad obviously but she started to work with me, made sure I was careful with my shoulders, would remind me when it would be something my core may not like, she was and is a GREAT instructor.  I wanted to go a lot more than I was going so I told her about my leaving the house issues and because she talked of Facebook in class I added her on Facebook.  My goal there was to make myself go.  Because I want to, I want to go every bloody day and there is no reason I shouldn’t but I can’t I can’t get out that door not since I got back.  Even when I try to fool proof my excuses they still win sometimes.  And I know I just have to get back over there one time and I’ll be fine, I’ll start going again.  I am thankful because my classes are already paid for and so she doesn’t have to be supportive but she is.  I write it in my planner every day under 10am. And that is progress because once it starts to go in the planner and I have to actually see that I’m pissing away exercise that I love when I can’t run, it’ll get me out. Let’s aim for Monday.

Tricking myself does sometimes work and Adam also has ways he can get me out but they work maybe 45% of the time, if that.  Normally if I get out, I’m ok, I’ll still act like a semi illiterate mumbling idiot until I feel comfortable around you and then all of a sudden my crazy ass vocabulary comes spilling out and it is like you are talking to a different person.  A very old friend, like sand box days, once told me he loved our conversations because of the words other than FUCK I chose to use in my sentences and to this day it is one of my very favourite compliments ever received.

I am as my very close friends and new friends find out very quickly notorious for canceling.  And trust me when I say I absolutely hate this about myself.  When I say yes to an invite of some kind, or ask someone to meet for coffee or a walk a movie, or buy tickets to something, in that moment and likely till within hours or a day of the time that I am supposed to meet you or a group or go to a concert, it starts.  The internal battle, knowing I will be fine but when I feel ill and am shaking and can’t eat and become over-come with a panic attack it stops me dead.  Most of the time if it is a coffee or walk date I can’t get myself out for it becomes excuse city, I want to get to a place where I can flat out just say “I would not have made this date if I did not intend on coming, I am letting my social anxiety get to me, you are important to me, this is not personal” the only problem with this is that other people’s lives do not run around mine and I don’t like fucking up other people’s days.

I wish I knew the secret formula that gets me out because this isn’t just a problem with friends, with friends it hurts because I stop getting invited to things period and some people who don’t get it or really don’t know me use it as an excuse to drop me, why not though? It is the easy way out.  But I have missed seeing my VERY FAVOURITE artist on EARTH because of this, last time Neko Case was here it was for a two day festival and I only made it to one day.  I could have brought my Neko concert total up to four times but I just could not get myself out the door on the second day.  Also, I bought tickets for Adam’s birthday to The White Stripes one year and I bailed at the VERY last minute.  Still a sore spot with Adam, and I don’t have a problem admitting that because I in no way expect people to accept my agoraphobic issues it is just super awesome when they do.

The Olympics Start NOW

Published on August 8, 2008 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

Gus is sitting on my lap pawing at my legs and I’m watching the Beijing Opening Ceremonies, I haven’t cried yet but it is inevitable that I will. Medal races in the swimming start Sunday, that’ll get me if nothing has before then.

My love of sports and athletes is huge but I still have mixed feelings in regards to the Olympics and their politics but I try and make it a point not to talk about politics on my blog. I see what’s happening in Beijing, I see what is happening in Vancouver to the people, to the city. I know I’m not alone in feeling a certain amount of dread when the cameras are turned onto our city and highlight the government’s despicable testing taking place right now on how best to deal with the homeless. It did not comfort me at all to see the people of Beijing going through similar and heartbreaking experiences just to put on a spectacle for the world.

Sometimes it isn’t just the politics it’s the drugs. I may not be competing now but my therapists insists I am an athlete and should address myself accordingly it is just hard for me having such a nagging injury [another post..]. Sometimes I’m glad that I had a shitty attitude when we moved to Terrace because I never had to deal with the pressures of drugs. I had very limited running competition in Terrace, whereas in Smithers I was always second best and instead of using it as a challenge and running against older, faster more experienced runners and learning from it and growing I became an arrogant asshole and almost stopped running AND skiing all together. The Terrace ski hill is nothing when compared to the Smithers mountain and I got bored. I look back and wonder how my parents even put up with me through my seriously wasting my potential phase [I'm not really sure it was just a phase though]. Before I met Adam I dated some guys who considered themselves hard core, they were jerks to me but at the same time they loved being with a woman who could keep up to them but the difference is that I never took anything beyond protein powder and ibuprofen. I do not think ANY of the guys I dated took steroids but I could be wrong who knows. One dude had completed an iron man and one used to train with Canadian Olympic Gold Medalist Simon Whitfield’s coach. Both of these guys took creatine which is a controversial supplement and it bothered me, if guys taking creatine bothered me I bet you can guess how strongly I feel about professional athletes and performance enhancing drugs. The disappointment, anger and embarrassment I feel when athletes are caught is intense to say the very least. I put so much time and energy into the athletes I admire and love that I feel genuinely let down when I find out they’ve been using.

Even though I find myself yelling obscenities at the tv over most of the stupid commercials and idiotic statements made with voiceovers by Morgan Freeman I try real hard to separate myself from all the bullshit and enjoy the fact that it is the only time that I can see almost all of my favourite athletes in one place for two fucking weeks man! I live for moments like this:

Vancouver BG Triathlon World Championships

American Triathlete Sarah Groff & Canadian Olympic hopeful Carolyn Murray

I probably won’t post much else on or about the Olympics but if you are interested in following my excitement you can find me on Twitter, a social media platform I have very mixed feelings on but don’t seem to be able to break away from using or feeling upset over when someone un-follows me much like how I feel when people delete me off their Facebook but that is also something for another post.