Archive for the 'The North' Category

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Winter Wonderland

Published on December 18, 2008 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

Yesterday it snowed a fair amount here in lovely Vancouver and it made me a hyper mess and I couldn’t stop taking hits off my bong and that’s a no no during the day.  If memory serves it snowed last Sunday but I was all MEH who cares I have no northern ties, face it Carlson, SNOW SUCKS. But then yesterday I was on Twitter and I mentioned how when I was a kid I was tobogganing at the main golf course in Smithers and almost first run I basically fell in a wee creek and we weren’t being picked up for hours and I was pretty cold and literally frozen and someone responded to me with “you are from Smithers? I am from Burns Lake.”  Well then, let the talk of The North begin.

I realized I was going to get nothing done, no dishes, no writing, no yoga, so I got off my ass, went and got my seriously function only winter boots, my original plan with said boots was to ONLY wear them up north where no one would see me but Adam has this idea that because we have them we should wear them as if they were normal winter boots so I did just that and they didn’t hurt my toe so I guess it is healed.

I went for a sensational walk around Lost Lagoon it was filled with cliché moments typical of Vancouver in the snow, I laughed, I got a little misty eyed, a raccoon almost ate me, it was fantastic clueless fun, then I had a panic attack and felt like I was hyperventilating and almost fell over, too much fresh air and awesomeness but you know what? They actually have a life guard sitting down at Lost Lagoon so had I have fallen in there would have been someone there to save me.

I did not leave the West End so there was not a lot to really get on my nerves except the fact that our street never gets cleared when it snows because I think the city only has one snow plow and I’m not taking a shot there I’m being serious.

But before I go, I feel very strongly that it doesn’t matter how citified I become if you ever see me carrying an umbrella in the SNOW please fucking shoot me, right in the face, do it up, cause my life would be over that day anyway. You drive me insane (not YOU geesh) seriously put the fucking umbrella away.  Seeing as I am supposed to be all in control of my temper let’s think about this rationally: how does it affect ME that some people carry umbrellas in the snow? Quite frankly it doesn’t affect me, the person, BUT if I stood in one place and put my arms out and started spinning around catching snow on my tongue and someone carrying an umbrella entered my personal spinning space I guess then we’d have a problem. I should probably relax about it but I never will that is why it’s called a pet peeve.

I’m Sensitive. And I’d like to stay that way.

Published on November 13, 2008 by Corinna Carlson | 10 Comments

Lately I have been feeling lost and extremely lonely.  That overwhelming feeling of knowing I am sitting next to someone who loves me more than anything I can see it in his face and I can’t reach out I can only lash out and depression hurts everyone.

It just feels like it is easier to have no one than have friends sometimes. Seems like less people to let down and disappoint that way.

I’m at a new and different place that I have never been to before. For over a week now I have been able to fight off abusing any of my medication, I haven’t taken even one milligram of extra clonazepam.  My brain is winning that battle for a change, my head is saying things to me like;

do you really want to sleep for that long
do you really want to lose all that time and not remember what the fuck you were doing
you won’t be able to read
you won’t be able to play xbox
you will get even more stupid bruises

I have even been eating and bathing which is new to me when I am this depressed I normally do not care how greasy my hair gets and I have an appetite I may have even put on a pound or two but I won’t know till the monthly bloating bullshit subsides.

On the flip side the hard water of Northern Ontario did a number on my face and hair, my face is a mess my hair is broken and although I would consider shaving my head if it was summer not in the winter my neck is already cold.  And that vanity has been my latest excuse an excuse that lasted six full days where I would not step outside.  Add that to hitting the end of my rope over any negative comment made to me about my weight right now I hit an all time low in the appearance department and when I finally did go out it was with Adam and I did my best to not make eye contact with anyone.   It pisses me off because I hate the pattern of finding a way through something just to find it almost instantly manifested in some other completely absurd behavior.

This is different than being a homebody, being hermity and having social anxiety. I normally jump at the chance to defend and brag about my naturalness and I have had adult acne since I was twenty-five so although I hate it I’m used to it, or I thought I was, same with my peach fuss I despise it but I accept it.  If there is one thing I am really starting to realize it is that it isn’t that I’m so much getting over any of my insecurities in my thirties it is that I am starting to accept that I have the insecurities that I have, more of a, yeah I’m insecure about that what’s it to you type attitude.

I can come up with literally any excuse not to go outside.  I am so bad Adam has and will respond with “good one” that is seriously fine with me he has been told by my shrink not to play into my anxieties and I personally think he does a fantastic job and I have no idea how he does it, he could do things like refuse to pick up my prescriptions and stuff for me forcing me outside but trust me he already does a lot.   It is strange to me that taking a few milligrams of clonazepam to get high and knock myself out seems saner than not going outside because of my acne.

I don’t know how to get over the abandonment issues I have so I can stop hiding in my apartment because my skin is better sort of now I know I’m stuck in this feeling like I have no family that I suck really fucking bad at friendships, that I feel like I have no where to “go home” too.  I don’t feel any connection to Ontario, there is nothing left for me in Northern British Columbia. Nostalgia is eating me alive right now. But with it comes so much anger I’m like a ticking time bomb. I don’t know how to move on to get to a place where I can be happy with only having forward to go and nothing to go back to.  And I don’t want to end up in the hospital and have to start all over like I normally do and I don’t even get it.

I’m going to get my eye brows waxed it better make me feel beautiful.

From my private journal

Published on November 2, 2008 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

Before I write out what I wrote in my journal I will preface it with this dude who has been staying here longer than me is a recovering alcoholic who just fell off the wagon, he is a nice guy but creepy none the less and he has a lot of stories, the woman he normally lives with when he isn’t out for work is here visiting him.

I was sitting outside smoking a joint and drunk dude came and sat next to me.

November 1’2008 3:41pm Eastern

Ummm creepy dude staying here just made me extremely uncomfortable. So even though he has commented that I need to beef up and takes off my wee hunting cap* when I wear it and gave me free pot to take it off was I don’t know trying to comfort me today because I’m flipping out awesome style right now and asked if he could hug me and I’m all sure so he hugs me and KISSED MY NECK! HELLO there is a lady friend in his room and he kisses my neck? I have been married the duration of my stay and then some. Then to make matters worse he invites me down to his room to ‘shoot the shit’ but adds all coy like that he has something else in mind – after he had offered me a cooler so it wasn’t the cooler he had in mind. See, he doesn’t want this lady friend who is in his room to be there and apparently brings other ladies home with her there or I’d not have taken that as a sexual innuendo or was it? He had just kissed my neck and probably had a pervert’s boner.

* I wasn’t smoking his pot, the hat incident happened in my first week.  Long story short he didn’t like how I looked in the hunting cap and offered me a joint to take off the hat. I don’t turn down free pot.

A dog, a gator and used condoms…. Oh my!

Published on October 27, 2008 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

leaving YYZ.

My flights to North Bay were uneventful.  I was on an old stupid Air Canada plane and so I didn’t have my own T.V but I had my Zune and a paper book that I needed to finish before I could start a new book on my eBook.

island in the lake.

We are two hours more north than North Bay and the CD player in the car is broken.  Good thing Rhonda and I are never short for words to say to each other.

DO NOT DRINK.

The first couple of nights I found it pretty creepy out here but we have the dog and even though we don’t have a gun we can both fire one.

sexy to the ultimate max.

i stack.

We are working and visiting, more visiting but procrastination is key to accomplishing our real goals.  I’m here another two weeks we need to renovate a room and I didn’t bring painting clothes although you’d never have known it from my seriously sexy outside working wear.  We have some barrels left to move, some more winterizing of the premises and we still need to do some burning.  Rhonda wanted to have a bon fire in the rain and I said FUCK NO I hang out in the rain at home! I feel seriously ripped off, the weather is so Vancouverish right now it is NOT FAIR where is my SNOW! The weather man has said snow is coming two times already.  Fibbers and hope DESTROYERS!!

raining.

Rhonda thought I was getting depressed because I sleep so much, nope, I just need my beauty sleep that is doing dick fuck all if I get one more bloody pimple I will be able to pop my whole head, and because I go to bed between 8 and 10pm at home staying up till midnight plus here means I can’t get up at my normal 7ish.  I’m like a teenager I do not operate well on less than ten hours sleep.

my ten dollars even juniors hoodie.

I bought a ten dollars even juniors medium hoodie which is making me pretty happy.

ray of not NKOTB

Rhonda is a NKOTB fan and went to their concert in Toronto and is going to the one in Vancouver and she plays NKOTB a lot.  My favourite line to hate is one that goes “it’s so crazy she’s like Baby, I’m like Swayze.” The song is called: Dirty Dancing.   BUT seeing as I am an amazing friend I get up and put on the NKOTB for her to enjoy.  Stupid songs keep getting stuck in my head so bad one day I HAD to put my Zune on. Some Tool, some Neko some Madonna a little Marvin and I was okay again until I went to go to bed and just before I put my earplugs in Rhonda yelled out:  “it’s so crazy she’s like Baby, I’m like Swayze.”   – A.S.S.H.O.L.E.

Rhonda & I.

I’ve learned how to make a pretty good bed with impressive corners and I enjoy vacuuming.  People are so strange, I can’t even go into it but I will just say I didn’t have a problem stripping and making beds until I went into one room and checked the garbage FIRST.  DON’T DO IT.  Once I knew what had been done in the bed just touching the sheets was enough to send me off on a totally childish and irrational tangent about semen, wet spots and pubes.

dogger sports.

frisbee please.

NOT CHOMPY.

Skaha, Rhonda’s dog, is pretty good.  She is a spoiled brat though and gets her way and I totally wish I were Cesar Millan so I could make her more like a cat or something.  She makes me miss Gus a lot and keeps trying to steal my Chompy.  Chompy already lost an eye once and now he has to battle this dog.  Yes I am 31 and sleep with a stuffed gator.  I brought Chompy [said gator] so I wouldn’t miss Adam as much because Adam gave me Chompy years ago but even Adam is now worried about the fate of Chompy and one of my main goals is keeping Chompy safe.  Rhonda said she was going to get a gator cage for Chompy but I have yet to see one.  I’ll keep you posted on that one; so far Skaha has only been able to bite Chompy’s foot.

We started watching Heroes Season 1 and we are now onto Heroes Season 2.  I made a lot of observations while watching Heroes, and I totally have a new T.V crush.  I have discussed my new found crush on Milo Ventimiglia with my husband and he still loves me so all is cool.  FINALLY I am starting to get Adam to reveal his actress hotties list to me.  He likes Jennifer Love Hewitt. That is all I have so far.

Canada eh?