im back from the hospital and still numb. i became desensitized to death as a kid, i remember 11 years old and my dad coming into my bedroom to tell me my mom had finally died and not crying. i knew it was coming, i had bawled a few times after seeing her with the morphine drip, she not wanting us to be sad. my dad cried, he held me, we were all shocked and in pain, but i wanted to be strong like she said, not knowing what else to do. i know i lost something that day, something that makes people normal and emotionally developed. it wasnt a conscious decision, my mind made it for me. i was protecting myself. it didnt make me hard, it just made me different. so now am i being strong sitting here still not crying, trying to stay moving? i dont think corinna wants to die, and for now, she wont. but her mind will not stop serving her pain, and as anyone who was abused by a parent can attest, the emotional kind is far more painful. she feels different like me i know that, and that difference makes communicating difficult and increases any feelings of isolation. its so hard to guess at what you think you want, what might make you happier, when you dont know what any of that happiness is made of. nobody swallows pills and wine to hurt anyone but themselves. it is not an aggressive action, it is not aimed at any target, it is a frustrated action, it comes from anguish. prolonged pain makes us feel like we deserve it, that it defines our lives. i only wish i could feel more and have her feel less, because she deserves a break from the restlessness and breath it takes. nobody needs to understand this, i dont, she doesnt, but its there. and if you dont feel comfortable being so close to something that so often looks evil, if you cant get past it, then dont bother asking yourself why this little blond girl sleeping at st pauls with an iv drip in her arm is so scary. you wont get it. its not about answers. its about remembering that you are human. and alive. i love you all anyways. even the shitheads. we all hurt people, get hurt, lose people and die. simple.
this post is brought to you by david bowie and jonathan richman. i dont know what the right thing to do is either. if you love her, be yourself and keep doing that. everything will follow.
