I have some new reading on more advanced breathing and meditation which I have been trying to learn for months but I am just so high strung even with the two anti-anxiety medications I take it is going to take a long while to master, but the new breathing techniques and the combination of taking some Hatha Yoga [soon] should start to make it a little easier for me to learn how to calm myself down. Not being able to calm myself down when a situation rises when I’m alone has caused me to do so many stupid things I can’t even count them and I don’t want to do that shit anymore I’m sick of it there is no excuse for it â€˜mentally ill’ or not, my negative attentionial bias takes over all of my thought processes and nothing can convince myself I’m not losing it. Most of the time there is some sense to my madness, I just can’t articulate it or am so wrapped up in my insecurities and what people will think of me if I just come out and say what I would normally say anyway but with confidence that I say it without confidence and the whole room goes silent.
I’m being held back by my demons. No matter how hard I work on myself demons are still demons. It takes a hell of a lot more than just one exercise to remove them and sometimes with the removal of one out pops another, even long after you are onto them and think you’ve got them sorted, covered, cleared from your system, they are still one step ahead of you, they are part of you they know you and they know how to get you, they know what triggers you.
I think this is where the being friends with me is hard comes in. On one hand I want to be left alone completely when I feel like this but on the other hand when there are people who know I’m feeling like absolute shit and they don’t even email or text message me or anything I think to myself are these people really my friends? And this sends me off analyzing every conversation every everything to try and decipher if they are fair weather friends and do I care if they are, does it matter, my â€˜real’ friends do always come through in the end so does it make it ok that some people want to be friends or shall I maybe say acquainted with me but want nothing to do with me when I’m depressed OR is it all in my head and they still care for me they just don’t know what to do or how to show it and because I am such a FOOK OFF LEAVE ME ALONE I’M DEPRESSED RIGHT NOW I’LL SEE YOU WHEN I GET MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS THANKS kind of depressed person. Not to mention the fact that I have friends who are like me when they are in depressive states the pattern just repeats over and over again with them and someone normally has to remind me when I’m pissed of because I haven’t heard from so and so that, well so and so was just weeks or days ago for example trying to get a hold of me and I was no where to be found.