Depressed Ramblings

i falafel

I have some new reading on more advanced breathing and meditation which I have been trying to learn for months but I am just so high strung even with the two anti-anxiety medications I take it is going to take a long while to master, but the new breathing techniques and the combination of taking some Hatha Yoga [soon] should start to make it a little easier for me to learn how to calm myself down. Not being able to calm myself down when a situation rises when I’m alone has caused me to do so many stupid things I can’t even count them and I don’t want to do that shit anymore I’m sick of it there is no excuse for it ‘mentally ill’ or not, my negative attentionial bias takes over all of my thought processes and nothing can convince myself I’m not losing it. Most of the time there is some sense to my madness, I just can’t articulate it or am so wrapped up in my insecurities and what people will think of me if I just come out and say what I would normally say anyway but with confidence that I say it without confidence and the whole room goes silent.

bundy

I’m being held back by my demons. No matter how hard I work on myself demons are still demons. It takes a hell of a lot more than just one exercise to remove them and sometimes with the removal of one out pops another, even long after you are onto them and think you’ve got them sorted, covered, cleared from your system, they are still one step ahead of you, they are part of you they know you and they know how to get you, they know what triggers you.

straw charmer

I think this is where the being friends with me is hard comes in. On one hand I want to be left alone completely when I feel like this but on the other hand when there are people who know I’m feeling like absolute shit and they don’t even email or text message me or anything I think to myself are these people really my friends? And this sends me off analyzing every conversation every everything to try and decipher if they are fair weather friends and do I care if they are, does it matter, my ‘real’ friends do always come through in the end so does it make it ok that some people want to be friends or shall I maybe say acquainted with me but want nothing to do with me when I’m depressed OR is it all in my head and they still care for me they just don’t know what to do or how to show it and because I am such a FOOK OFF LEAVE ME ALONE I’M DEPRESSED RIGHT NOW I’LL SEE YOU WHEN I GET MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS THANKS kind of depressed person. Not to mention the fact that I have friends who are like me when they are in depressive states the pattern just repeats over and over again with them and someone normally has to remind me when I’m pissed of because I haven’t heard from so and so that, well so and so was just weeks or days ago for example trying to get a hold of me and I was no where to be found.

  • http://gusgreeper.com gusgreeper

    thanks so much for all your support as always, you guys are the bestest! :)

    @CosaMostro welcome! :) oh yes it has had an impact for sure. im an only child so friendships have never come easy to me, throw in depression and then losing someone like THAT when i actually allowed myself to get close has made it harder no doubt.

  • http://walkenaround.blogspot.com Jack Smynde

    It’s a tough ride you’re on, but you bring such an innocence and shine to it all. You’re open, you’re trying, you gain insight to yourself… I have to believe you’ll get better and better for all your earnest determination.

    Have you heard of The Four Agreements? My therapist mentioned it a few times, so I bought it. A lot of it made almost no sense to me, but the four agreements themselves are simple, succinct statements of a lot of the things we learn in therapy. But because it’s so simple, I keep finding it easier to call to mind when my thoughts and feelings run away from me.

  • http://bugsbutt.blogspot.com LBB

    Hey, I really like that first picture of you.

    And the earmuffs are cute, too.

    I’m sorry to make light of such a somber post, and I’m sorry about your episode of depression, but when I see something I like, I shout it out loud.

    I hope you feel better.

  • http://sassy-red-head.livejournal.com/ Tiana

    The photos go with this post so beautifully.

  • http://www.nocturnaltendencies.com Nocturnal

    I think its time to fire up a few candles and your favourite music little lady. It’s been said, music is good for the soul.

    Take care and TGIF.

    Cheers

  • Spockette

    First things first..SMILE! Secondly..let’s make a date & I’ll teach you how to meditate.

    I became enlightened many moons ago & I’d like to pass knowledge onto you, as it helped me greatly in getting to “that state”. You can get there & it’s easier than you think it is.

  • http://fortheloveofrocks.blogspot.com maja

    Hardly any of my friends call me to say g’day, and I think about calling people but never do. I probably have more contact with blogger friends than real life friends… I guess all in all I’m a neglectful friend and I get what I give! But when I text friends and they don’t text back sometimes I wonder if they’re annoyed at me but it always turns out they just forgot. Which is fair enough I think, seeing as I never see them.. or I see them once ever six months. I guess this is all mainly a result of working away two thirds of the time. And being a procrastinator.

  • http://thefunkybee.blogspot.com thefunkybee

    I’m sure you’ve thought of this but wondering if you’ve looked into TM or any kind of meditation…? I hear it’s great. I have been considering it for myself for quite some time and the people that do it swear by it! Good luck babe. Just another hurdle that I know you can get over!

  • http://twitter.com/cosamostro CosaMostro

    Hello from your new Twitter pal.

    I’m wondering if the frequency and depths of your depression changed after you lost the friend you recently wrote about so touchingly.

    I used to have frequent depressions. Then 3 years ago, I lost somebody very very close. The ordeal eventually led to a complete loss of faith (I was Catholic until then), but my depression seemed to be displaced by real grief, and as it has eased a bit, the really crippling mood swings have evened out.

    Good luck with the meditation. I keep trying to get that going, but always lose interest before I can finish “Wherever You Go,” or “Three Pillars of Zen.”

  • http://www.talkingtoair.com Air

    I’m sorry you are having a hard time. It sucks, I’ve been there. I found great comfort in hatha yoga. I even found I started crying during class sometimes, and the teacher said it is common. The place I went was called Open Door, and it was in east van. I don’t go anymore, but wish I could find the time.

  • http://brain-soup.blogspot.com aka_monty

    That first picture made me want to give you some lovin’.

    If I’d had your number I would have texted you! :) I’m the same way a lot of the time–I just want to be alone, and yet I want people to show that they care, you know what I mean? Like, “I don’t want you right this minute, but I need to know you’re out there if I DO want you.”

    And let me know how the meditation works out for you, I’ve tried SO many times to meditate and I either get distracted over & over again and my mind wanders off, or I fall asleep.

    *hug*

  • http://www.miss604.com Rebecca

    we should ice skate soon. couple’s skate including hand-holding with our men while listening to the 90s pop music they play at the WECC. Remember “Sky” ? Aw yeaaahh.