I have my appointment with my shrink today and I think it is going to be a good one. I have never gone on a Monday he needed to change my appointment around which is fine but regardless there are times in my therapy where my doctor knows that I’ve finally gotten it, I can’t think of a short example but he is extremely encouraging and the times when it happens and I realize holy shit he has been waiting and OH MY GOD all the stuff he said seems SO obvious now that we have to have the inevitable talk of some people never see it, never get there because it is so clear whatever I’m seeing in that moment that I instantly start to mentally and physically punish myself for not having seen it sooner or at all.
It just feels like I’m grasping at straws right now, that I should be further along in certain areas than I am and I analyze theses things to death and ask myself WHY I can’t completely move on why I think I have moved on only to find myself triggered by something stupid and then I jump back on the let’s abuse prescription drugs wagon and trust me when I say you don’t want to be falling on and off that wagon benzo withdrawal is not only painful and stupid but your shrink won’t think you are cool either.
Last night I was in the full grips of my attachment issues because I’m having a harder time this year dealing with PH’s deathiversary than I can honestly ever remember having except for the first anniversary and of course the event of his taking his own life period. But I swear I was hit in the face with a wrecking ball last night.
Let me digress:
May long weekend 2002: I am assaulted in my own home by the best friend of one of my close friends. Shit storm ensues of course no one wants to get involved I lose lots of people I’ll write about it for the sake of women who go through that shit someday.
June 2002: The beginning of the end starts between a man I’d been seeing in Calgary off an on since 1999. The long distance relationship could not handle the assault or me at the time and I was dumped over email that October.
October 2002: I latch on to a self proclaimed jerk and become unrecognizable to my friends because of the shit I’m taking from this guy.
February 2003: A close friend kills himself. I have no idea how to handle it, none, just completely lose it.
April 2003: My dad comes down from Prince George to do the Sun Run with me which was a totally normal father daughter thing for us but my mom was taking all of these photos of us and I’m getting annoyed cause that was the year I was trying to go under my 44:30min and so please put the damn camera away I am nervous as fuck, we get back to my apartment, [ps. I did not run my time I had a panic attack in the middle that is what happens when you train stupid and try to shave four minutes off your times at once instead of one minute at a time] and suddenly it gets even stranger, my dad gives this nod to my mother and she goes outside for a smoke and my dad then tells me his is dying from Hypogammaglobulinaemia. I know right like WHAT? He explains the basics, don’t know what causes it don’t know what fixes it just know it kills yeah but the kicker was he’d known for a year and a half and the Drs. had just told him his blood work showed that this was it he could die tomorrow or live another ten years and NO ONE knew but my mom, the field goal was his saying, and you just don’t forget these moments, “we didn’t tell you because you can’t handle things and we knew you’d freak out.” So ok holy shit my dad is suddenly dying, my friend just committed suicide then like it never happened all of sudden his blood work comes back clear and he isn’t dying. Mind fuck much.
No wonder why you can’t let people in, no wonder why your relationships with people are getting harder not easier, I’m only starting to deal with my attachment issues, and now the fallout. Everything that happened in that year I’m realizing now just drifted me further and further into myself and I’ve spent the last six years doing everything I can to fuck up everything good that comes into my life because I don’t think I deserve it. It isn’t being a baby man it fucking hurts when you are SUPPOSED to be daddy’s little girl but daddy doesn’t even believe enough in you to tell you he is dying and want that time with you.
Today will be a big day in the shrink’s office; I know I just KNOW he has been patiently waiting for me to have this realization. My problems didn’t just show up that year but 02/03 had a little of everything it ran the trauma gamut, but I am now realizing it could well hold the answer to why I hurt and hurt.
