As confirmed the other day one of the things that originally attracted people to GG was my scan art. Thanks to enough people emailing me and asking me when I moved to WP WHERE the HECK my scans had gone, I’m going to bring it back. I’m just older now and not as flexible it is harder to think of poses. Give me a bit.
And secondly this used to be a place where I spilled all about my struggles with depression and although no proof remains in comment form there are many emails in a folder and people did feel safe talking about their shit here.
I don’t know exactly what it was that made me stop. I’d say it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I leave my house now and I hide my depression as best I can when I’m out and I’m basically sick of it, I can’t do it anymore and I guess I don’t believe that people will still accept me if I’m down and out honest about what life behind closed doors is really like for me that in some ways it still feels like it is never going to get better and in other ways no matter which way you look at it I am doing better than ever. But the areas I’m doing better than ever in aren’t areas that people outside an incredibly small inner circle ever see.
Lately I have been grumpy and moody to a degree I have never experienced before. I’m not doing well in group settings haven’t been since January 20th. and I’m starting to lash out in negative ways. aka not thinking before speaking or twittering. Because sometimes it is easier to deal with making people not like me. I’m used to that and getting used to the idea that people do like me, honestly, I’m having some issues with it.
I think you are still going to see me as the genuinely nicer person you’ve seen develop over the years but I feel it necessary to stop hiding how seriously depressed I am because when I don’t post on it I just end up feeling overwhelmed and don’t post at all. Going back to the brutally honest way I used to write this blog just with a more mature outlook and less of the fook word are what I need right now with where I am in my therapy.
I want to make it clear to anyone who it wasn’t blatantly clear to before, kind of a disclaimer if you will, that I have never and will never post about MY depression, MY mood disorders, MY anxiety for sympathy and any oh please love me bull shit, not saying I don’t appreiate it but May 2008 will mark five full years with my Psychiatrist and if I wanted sympathy I wouldn’t look to the internet for it. Just saying. There are so many of us out there who struggle with these disorders and all I want to do is tell my story.