My Depression – Back to Basics

As confirmed the other day one of the things that originally attracted people to GG was my scan art. Thanks to enough people emailing me and asking me when I moved to WP WHERE the HECK my scans had gone, I’m going to bring it back. I’m just older now and not as flexible it is harder to think of poses. Give me a bit.

And secondly this used to be a place where I spilled all about my struggles with depression and although no proof remains in comment form there are many emails in a folder and people did feel safe talking about their shit here.

I don’t know exactly what it was that made me stop. I’d say it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I leave my house now and I hide my depression as best I can when I’m out and I’m basically sick of it, I can’t do it anymore and I guess I don’t believe that people will still accept me if I’m down and out honest about what life behind closed doors is really like for me that in some ways it still feels like it is never going to get better and in other ways no matter which way you look at it I am doing better than ever. But the areas I’m doing better than ever in aren’t areas that people outside an incredibly small inner circle ever see.

Lately I have been grumpy and moody to a degree I have never experienced before. I’m not doing well in group settings haven’t been since January 20th. and I’m starting to lash out in negative ways. aka not thinking before speaking or twittering. Because sometimes it is easier to deal with making people not like me. I’m used to that and getting used to the idea that people do like me, honestly, I’m having some issues with it.

I think you are still going to see me as the genuinely nicer person you’ve seen develop over the years but I feel it necessary to stop hiding how seriously depressed I am because when I don’t post on it I just end up feeling overwhelmed and don’t post at all. Going back to the brutally honest way I used to write this blog just with a more mature outlook and less of the fook word are what I need right now with where I am in my therapy.

I want to make it clear to anyone who it wasn’t blatantly clear to before, kind of a disclaimer if you will, that I have never and will never post about MY depression, MY mood disorders, MY anxiety for sympathy and any oh please love me bull shit, not saying I don’t appreiate it but May 2008 will mark five full years with my Psychiatrist and if I wanted sympathy I wouldn’t look to the internet for it. Just saying. There are so many of us out there who struggle with these disorders and all I want to do is tell my story.

  • http://thefunkybee.blogspot.com thefunkybee

    I still love you, you depressed bitch…I’m not gonna kiss your ass ;O) but you do know that everyone that comes here to read you loves you – brutally honest or not. Do whatever makes you feel better. We’ll still be here…

  • aughra

    Netchick is right – this is YOUR blog. But I understand…. I’m glad you post about everything you post about.

  • http://hummingbird604.blogspot.com Raul

    I think you’ve done a marvelous job with your blog, and I concur with Tanya and everyone … if anybody doesn’t like your blog, screw them :) I still love it!

  • http://lyvvielimelight.blogspot.com Lyvvie

    I saw you come through your depression as I was going through mine. I know once a person has been in a depressive state they’re very keen about the stages of falling back. You’ve become happier, you’ve learned to cope. I hope that at least, and if you ever have times when all of it’s crushing then I hope you’d not post it for worry of freaking away friends. You’ve not posted about fighting with your Dad for ages, you’ve not talked about rebelling – I’ve taken those as positive signs. You’ve settled in with marriage in a way that I think has been the biggest help for you. I’ve never thought of you as a sympathy whore, you are 100% real and I love you to itty bitty bits. You have chutzpah, moxie, cajones, playfulness and spirit that shows you for the real person you are. Oh, and the scans were neat and original and I thought it was fun to see how a piece of old machine could make artistic pictures. My favourite is your hand with the band.

  • http://txlonghornwife.blogspot.com Mo

    I just started therapy two weeks ago to begin unraveling my true feelings about my separation and imminent divorce. I’m fighting any and all depression with more gusto than I’ve ever seen from myself. All I can say is, this shit ain’t easy and I admire the hell out of you.

  • http://cjscrisis.blogspot.com C.J ‘Made his nest high up in the autumn branches, built out of nothing but high hopes and thin air’ Hixon

    The scans were good, the fact that you used to ‘put it all out there’ so to speak was the reason I kept reading on back in the day.
    You know me, thinking is always over-rated in my eyes (I just called my boss fugly, in part because he is fugly and in part to prove that I feel thinking before speaking / typing is over-rated) I say whatever makes you feel the best… within reason of course; For example killing Thaiwanese hookers and using their entrails as some form of trampoline is and shall always be wrong… no matter how good it makes you feel.
    “Why kick against the pricks of that great will, Whose purpose can never be overborne, And which hath oft increased your sorrows still?”-(Dante) are the words I try to live by, I also try to live by the words “No fires in rooms that don’t have fireplaces” but I think that’s just plain common sense. I’m no expert (as you know) but any advice anyone ever gives is always subjective and isn’t always the cup of tea for the occasion (that’s not an old english saying or anything I’m struggleing to make what should be an easy point) What I mean to say is I think you know, That in the end everything is going to be fine, and all the cack and crap you’ll go through in life can be quickly washed away by the sweetest moment (Either the Cat or man could have a hand in that…) and most importantly you have a better / stronger / smarter charicter than 85% of the chuckleheads on this planet ergo I KNOW you’ll do just a-ok (or is that eh?-ok in Canadia?)

    Chin up girl, go give ‘em hell and such.

    Your friend in an eternal battle with the establishment AND the voices in his head.

    C.J

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  • capegirl

    you defnitely don’t need my permission or anyones to speak your truth. i know, for myself, i’ve done so much work, but accept that i’ll possibly still be vulnerable at some time in the fookture. ;-)

    changing the way i respond to things has been my greatest triumph and knowing my limitations has too. best of everything, to you, sweetie!

  • Aimee

    Some issues are so deep seeded that sometimes the best way to deal with them is to write them down and get them out. So write on baby…. there’s no point being alone.

  • http://nineteensixtyeightrox.blogspot.com Roxanne

    I think we can all relate, in some way, to what you’re going through. Can you sprinkle in a few extra fook words for me though? :)

  • http://btexpress.blogspot.com btexpress

    My wife was depressed for years, so I have a little idea what you are going through. The meds helped her a lot, but did nothing to solve her problems, the ones that put her over the edge in the first place.

    In closing, post what ever you feel like posting. It’s your blog.

  • http://www.towards-utopia.com Dan

    The closer to reality the more of us come, the better off we all will be in the end.

    Whatever you’ve got to say or share, I look forward to reading!

  • http://www.netchick.ca Tanya (aka NetChick)

    Hey, you don’t need a disclaimer on your site explaining why you talk about what you feel like talking about! This is YOUR blog! If people don’t like what you have to say, screw em. Let them self-sensor and not come back.

    So there!

    The filter that I once had on my blog was related to my Dad reading my site… And now that my Dad is gone, the filter has all but disappeared as well. Now, if only I could find time to blog! It’s been a crazy, crazy couple of months for me. But, that’s going to change. I’m missing the interaction with some really awesome people via my blog.

    And besides, practically everyone (as proven by my recent Rock Band party) that I hang out with these days (uh, trying to think of someone who doesn’t fall into this category, actually) I’ve met through blogging, or online in some way.

    That’s kinda crazy, actually! So for me to stop / slow down blogging, is for me to stop / slow down my social life. That just won’t do.

  • http://www.talkingtoair.com Airdrie

    I’ve been in and out of my psychiatrist’s office on and off for the last 20 years. Nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve come to realize that the trickle-down effect of me being healthier because of her help is well worth the time and stigma.
    I, too, am finding this last week or two hard.

  • Rhonda

    We are half way through winter and just last week was the blue monday winter blues whole thingy. Aren’t we always looking for something to rationalize for how we feel???? I hear ya!