Yesterday, for the first time in 9 years, I emailed my psychiatrist and lied to him about being sick so that I could cancel my appointment. I don’t remember the last time that I missed a session. He could tell I was lying and asked how I was doing emotionally, I wasn’t doing particularly well at my last session two weeks ago, but I wouldn’t budge and claimed it came on suddenly.
I feel mad at therapy right now. I feel mad about everything right now. I feel like I should be better by now. Over the last month I’ve been slipping back into a super dark place. I won’t deny that I made a shit load of progress but right now it feels like I haven’t made any of it. I don’t feel like I’m able to put the skills I know that I have to work right now. I don’t want to. I’d just like to have some semblance of normal. Just a tad, without having to take medication for it or to have to go to see a psychiatrist or to have to tell myself a fuckton of mantras that I don’t even believe anyway and I know saying I don’t give a shit means that I give a shit but fuck me I’m so tired of trying.
I went from being a person who overshared my life with almost everyone I would meet to being someone who hardly talks to even my closest friends. I keep everything all knotted up inside now and the rage and the anger becomes almost unbearable and I’m on this medication that is supposed to help with my fight or flight reflex and I don’t think it’s working, except for the drying my mouth out and giving me bad breath bit, but then again I think it might be and then I get scared thinking why do I still want to lash out in anger so severely why can I go for months at a time now and be sure as sure can be that I’m over something and then it still comes roaring back like it never left and I fall backwards for days.
Or is this part of getting better? That when I do go down for the count is it harder now because I have had a lot of good? This feels different though, it feels old hat. It feels like it’s been brewing.
A while back my psychiatrist made a comment in regards to how when my depression gets to a certain level that I tend to use my suicidal thoughts as a go to. I was ready to hear that and I’ve been able to use it since he said it to mostly curb them. As soon as they come on I say to myself stop using these horrendous thoughts to torture yourself it’s only a go to, knock it off dumb ass – or something similar. This and learning forms of meditation were working for a while or so it seemed. I seem to have gone so inward that now I can’t get out. I keep telling everyone that I’m fine and that it’ll pass. I’m not fine but it probably will pass. But it’s hard not to be disappointed in myself. I don’t want to be throwing tantrums on Twitter or feeling so low and losery that I can’t even run. That’s when I know it’s really bad, is when I don’t want to run. Don’t give two fucks that I haven’t ran since Monday. I’m supposed to be pacing someone in a race tomorrow. Nope, won’t be beating myself up AT ALL for letting my friend down, it isn’t like I don’t let my friends down ALL THE FUCKING TIME, because I suck at friends. That is actually part of my problem, part of where all of my pent up rage and shit is coming from. It’s guilt because I let my depression win and rule my friendships and so I’m unreliable and I let people down and I won’t let people in and so they give up because I make them, I don’t give them another choice because I truly don’t know how.