So this is Christmas

I’ve gotten myself into a state right now and I don’t think I’m going to be able to let it go unless I write about it.

I have already gone about lashing out in a completely inappropriate way. Who me? Which included a tantrum where I threw a spoon, did some yelling stormed out of the apartment and laid on my back in the storage locker for over an hour in my boots, toque and winter jacket because I had no real destination.  That was yesterday, today I thought I felt better but found myself overwhelmed by Twitter and FLLLLLIPPED! Problem is, yes, I have a temper and yes I over react easily but I’m obviously hurtin’ pretty bad to lash out over what I did, and I’ll leave that at that.

I spend more time than you’d probably think, analyzing the stuff I’ve written on here about my family life over the years.  I rarely delete posts, because I stand by my feelings even in anger.  But every now and then I’ll read a personal post complaining about someone’s family but they feel bad complaining they don’t want to embarrass their family, or hurt them.  And my first thought is always holy fuck that is nice of them; I literally drag my parents over the coals maybe I should take some posts down.  But then I’ll give it a second thought, and my second thought is generally something to the affect of wishing I genuinely felt bad, wishing the stuff I write about my parents wasn’t true, that it isn’t so intertwined in every part of my being that if I wasn’t honest and open about how the things they do and don’t do affect me then I wouldn’t be being honest with myself.

Since they left and I wrote about the fabulous send off my father gave me things are not getting better, they are in fact getting worse.  The funny thing to me is that I know my dad thinks he can hang this paid once a year trip to Bali bullshit over my head and I’ll shut up.  Too bad I don’t give a fuck about going to Bali.  Adam and I both agree we aren’t missing anything we never had; it isn’t like we’ve been there.  I don’t write things about them to be mean on purpose, this is my life, this is the shit they do and what I’m left with.  It doesn’t make me feel good exposing my family this way, but it’s my life and yet again I’m letting my asshole father get to me and it’s spilling out into the life I’m working really hard at building where I don’t live up to every bad thing he says and thinks of me every time I get mad at something.

Once they arrived in Bali they did what they always do, told me what I wanted to hear but I’ve kinda had it with that approach and so I made it clear I wanted space I said at least five months. But I yearn so badly for the idealized relationship I convince myself I can have with them that I caved and emailed them during the Best of 604 because I needed their votes, but I left it until the end. Initially because we aren’t technically speaking I left them off the email that went out to friends to vote for me but then my nemesis popped up, one of those people who will never ever go away and that is fine but I’m human and it gets to me sometimes and Adam wasn’t around and it isn’t something that I talk about openly very often and so I emailed my mom.

Now, I understand that they are feeling like I’m being all ME ME ME ME ME ME ME right now, and I am, because THEY are the ones who left.  They pulled this bullshit when they moved us from Ontario to British Columbia too, always bitching about the family in the east, like seriously WHY should they talk to you first when you left. And this time, when they left me, they couldn’t just say they had decided to retire to Bali, they threw in a farce of an excuse saying “if you and Adam were going to have children we wouldn’t be going so far away”. Right and I control the weather by holding my tits.

My mother did vote for me and did leave a comment on the post, I thought they were going to be at a computer sooner than they were, and I know it is a stretch to think they’d be proud of me having won an award for a personal blog that has been largely about them and about them in a negative light, but there was no further correspondence just the comment no email.

And I guess because of that, it reminded me that I had received the generic Christmas letter in the mail that they didn’t even sign, they simply typed mom and dad, that and other things about the letter had my spidey senses tingling but I decided not to deal with it and tossed the letter across the room and onto the table where it landed under the sewing machine and out of sight.  When I finally showed it to Adam he got to the bottom of the first page and burst out laughing, hard laughing, I was puzzled and asked why, he asked if I had read the letter and read out the following:

Since arriving we have found out about an orphanage and Karen and I have fallen in love with the most wonderful children we have ever met.  We go there one afternoon a week and teach them songs, English and do crafts with them.  It is very rewarding for us and the children just love our visits.

When he finished reading he said the most WONDERFUL children we have EVER met, not you, some Indonesian orphans they just met – love at first sight.

Adam didn’t know it at the time, but those few moments really hurt me.  And I held it in until yesterday. Yesterday I let it flow that I felt like he was laughing at me, and that I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me but it did, because I’m obviously not their favourite only child any more.  All I remember about being taught how to read is being yelled at by both of them because I had a very hard time memorizing the word ARE. And both of my parents were involved in Scouting, so they did their crafts there.  I didn’t want to think about how much it hurts they sent that letter to the entire family.  I’ve asked my mother a million times now why she was never a Brownie leader or a Girl Guide leader or a Pathfinder leader, she was ALWAYS in Scouting.  She has no answer for me, she apparently doesn’t know, I ask now just for fun because I know she’ll never just say because I wanted to be with your father and not you.  I know it is partly a shot because we aren’t having kids but aside from that, who fucking writes something like that, I’m happy that they are helping out kids that is fantastic, but how dare they tell the entire family how fucking wonderful they are when they spent five minutes with me growing up and are STILL mentally abusing me.

I know now more than ever, that this book by John Bowlby called Attachment that my shrink gave me to read is what I need right now.  He is right, I am not going to learn the lessons I need to learn about my attachment issues from my parents, I’m beating a dead horse.  I understand that birth families are important, I spend a lot of time feeling guilty because I have two parents, still married when almost every single person in my inner circle has lost a  parent, fuck it kills me to be surrounded by people who would give anything for one more day with their loved one and each day I draw further and further away from my parents and even though I know I should continue to work on it, it isn’t up to me anymore, this is taking me down a path I do not want to go back down and started to head down yesterday and I’m not going to let them do this to me. I can’t do it anymore.

  • http://www.phaeds.blogspot.com Phaedra

    your mom and dad are only blod. You have more family posting their support right here on your blog. Your parents are oblivious to the truths, and unfortunately no one can make them see that. Just know that they do suffer in their own private hell.

    You, on the other hand, have an awesome husband, a furry, semi-friendly cat, a Sock Monkey Army….and loads of peeps who love you, including me.

  • anonymous

    OMG.

    Stay strong corinna. I’ve been “disowned” twice by my parents but never have they made our fights public knowledge. I just want to give you a big ole hug until I squeeze the pain right out of you, but i know that would not be enough.

    Please remember: you are the child. They are the parents. It is their job to parent, yours to be a child.

    You are loved.

  • http://gusgreeper.com gusgreeper

    i only saw them every day for three weeks while they were here in September but nice manipulation tactic there that is choice. he is insane.

  • http://walkenaround.blogspot.com Jack Smynde

    They suck.

    They say you need to grow up, but that admits that even in their twisted view of things, that they’re guilty of not helping you grow; not nurturing you and caring for you in the way that you need. A child’s happiness and contentment is implicitly more important than their parent’s. I’m disgusted that they think they’re taking the moral high ground by including you on this distribution list. They know it hurts you, and they do it anyway.

    Know that they don’t matter. What they say is about them and their reality and not you.

  • http://gusgreeper.com gusgreeper

    In case there was ever any doubt to just how insane they are.

    Attached is the Christmas email we are sending to all the people on our Bali mailing list (minus attachments). We wanted to make sure you were aware that we are making sure that all the friends and family know how you have treated us since we have come here.

    Your behaviour is destructive and unacceptable and we will no longer tolerate your abuse so this is the last time you will hear from us until such time that you apologize for your behaviour and begin to act like a member of the family. You will not be coming to Bali in 09. You were given a once in a lifetime opportunity to experience a completely new and unique life with us here and instead you have chosen to abandon us. It is obvious you are deliberately trying to break your mother down again and drive a wedge between us. It won’t work, your abuse has just made her stronger and more determined than ever to never tolerate your abusive behaviour again.

    In the past 4 and a half years the only time you have treated us with respect or tried to be one of the family is when you have wanted something. Don’t even think of trying that again. We hope some day you will grow up, and behave like a responsible adult, until that time do not contact us.

    Should you respond with one of your childish rants it will be deleted and not read.

    This is the letter for our friends and family

    It is difficult to describe and express our feelings about our first Christmas in Bali. The joys, and the sadness have made this a Christmas to remember.

    Since we have been in Bali our daughter has refused to speak to us. That has been difficult and especially so on Christmas. She even refused to see us or speak to us when we left Vancouver in September. The only time she has tried to communicate with us is when she wanted us to do something for her. We sent her a text message on Christmas day and she responded by telling us stop messaging her. Neither Karen or I are religious people. We do not celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday. We see Christmas as a special time for family, friends, giving and a time when people are just nicer and kinder than other times of the year. It is a time when family and friends gather and even when they are apart there is a special effort made to communicate and express the family spirit and spirit of friendship, love and caring. With our only daughter refusing to speak with us it has made what should have been a the most special and happy occasion ever, one that has brought tears and a heavy heart.

    We went to the orphanage on Christmas eve. In Bali there is a bow that people can give you which is a show of honor and respect. When the children see us coming they all give us the bow. When we get out of the car we get hugs especially from the younger children. We were invited to attend the orphanage on Christmas day but we already had plans so we had to decline the offer. We had asked the young girl who is volunteering at the orphanage if she wanted to come over for Christmas dinner but of course she wanted to spend her day with the children. There is a good chance that is where we will spend our Christmas next year. If it’s true that everything happens for a reason and that when one door closes another one opens, then our daughters bizarre behaviour has led us to these marvelous children. Gaining the love and respect of these 40 orphaned children does not make up for being abandoned by our only daughter but it does give us a whole new sense of joy and fulfillment in our lives.

  • http://fortheloveofrocks.blogspot.com maja

    That is such bullshit about moving to bali cause you guys aren’t going to have kids. What the fuck!

    Love you babe, chin up. xoxoxox

  • http://www.shawnte.blogspot.com Shawnte

    I admire you so much and can relate to some of the shit that you are going through. Like you, I find it somewhat therapeutic to at least get the words out, into the ether, the interwebz, whatever. We can only bottle for so long before we need some outlet. Your gut seems to be telling you the best way to handle the situation, keep listening to your intuition, babe, it’s rarely wrong.

    Much love for the Holidays!

  • http://cjscrisis.blogspot.com C.J ‘Gonna need a bigger bigger beard to fool Bert this year’ Hixon

    Prologue:- I think it shows such strength of character to not put your name on something and write swear words….. Fuck you pal. Anonymous #2 can lick my balls (He’ll need to make an appointment though as I’m fairly booked up with his mother…. zing.)

    Corinna:- xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
    We need to high five.

  • http://iamlove.blogspot.com Barbara Doduk

    You are a brave soul darling. Feel your feelings, they are unique to you and you alone, and no one else feels them. So express them! HUGS

  • http://hummingbird604.com Raul

    @anonymous (the one who said “shut up”) – did nobody teach you manners? Oh, right, no.. .they didn’t. They probably didn’t tell you that your IP address can be tracked and you can be bitchslapped. Right. There you go.

    @ Corinna – I know how painful these times can be. If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.

    Much love,
    Raul

  • luc

    Maybe you should send them a New Year’s greeting card, informing them:
    since you left we have found out about this childless couple and Adam and I have fallen in love with the most wonderful adoptive parents we have ever met.

  • http://www.trishussey.com/ Tris Hussey

    Anonymous #2: you talk to your mom with that mouth?

    This is a brave post. Depression, especially being aware and mindful of your depression, is brutal. Yeah we know our feelings might be off base or maybe too intense, but that is also part of who we are.

    Strange things trigger this stuff. One day being on a bit of a down and you’re back up no problem, the next you’re not so lucky. So, so often I feel like a terrible dad. So, so often I feel stupid.

    But, like you, there are people who love us. Who understand us. Who get us. Who accept us. And don’t forget, the line between genius and insanity is very fine so that has to worth something ;-).

  • anonymous

    Shut The Fuck Up!!! really

  • anonymous

    Last year I told my mom that I was not going to come over for Thanksgiving because I was busy with life stuff (serious stuff btw). She replied “what happened to you and your brother? you are both the most selfish people I know” Fuck her. That hurt as much as the time she yelled out to me “I should have had dogs instead of children!!!”

    It took me years of therapy to even be able to understand what an impact an abusive parent can have. I am sure I will never fully recover.

    I am sorry to hear about your parents, but sadly I can relate 100%. The pain, the red flags, the worrying “what have I done now?” when they stop calling.

    Christmas makes it all come-up to the surface, because normal families are actually nice to each other at this time.

  • http://quackattack.wordpress.com TheQuack

    Don’t ever apologize about your feelings with your parents. No one ever understands what it’s like to live in your shoes, no matter how hard they try. Trust me, I’ve been fighting this one my whole life – the only reason I don’t write too much about my attachment issues with them is because I’ve learned that not discussing it saves me the guilt trip other like to lay on me for expressing the truth as I experience it – so, I just don’t write about them at all.
    This post has inspired me to do a little reading on clinical approaches to resolving attachment issues … of course, I could always identify my ambivalent attachment style, but have kind of been stuck trying to figure out what to do about it.
    Thanks for this post.