The most selfish things in life are free

Published on February 10, 2009 by Corinna Carlson | 0 Comments

One of the hardest things for me now, still, is that not only did he drive right by my cross street he stopped and went into the Shoppers right off the alley to buy his pills.

When I do think about it, that part really bothers me, it hurts my feelings, why couldn’t he have gone to a Shoppers that was closer to where he actually lived or just a random one on the drive down town, not the one right where three of his super close friends lived within steps of.  I just use it as a distraction. But I wonder if he did think of us at all at any time while he drove.

Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I had gone to Shoppers that night, what if I’d ran into him and was my normal self so then he would have started to laugh and I’d say what are you doing and he’d say buying a cycling magazine, in his thick French accent, it has an article on Lance Armstrong in it and I’d say wanna come over and watch a movie? And, well in my mind I picture him coming back to my place.   If he can so selfishly take his life from the world than why oh why can’t I selfishly think of him thinking of ME before he died and I truthfully think what a mother fucker he KNEW I suffered from depression.

But I know, I KNOW I could not have saved him. I GET IT. I just don’t know if I ever really let myself feel it before or if it is just too much this year, like I’ve had enough I have to deal with this whether I like it or not because I do feel betrayed and I am angry but I torture myself with it every year because I feel like I deserve it having to remember what I almost did to my family and friends and I wasn’t really allowed to deal with what happened to me either I returned to school the day after I got out of the hospital had no counseling and when I talked about it when there were people over at our house their daughter complained that I had scared her and her mom told my dad and instead of getting help I got in trouble and was told NOT to talk about it.

  • http://sarahlaughs.blogspot.com sarah

    thanks Girk, i appreciate that. :)

  • Capegirl

    I really wish there was less stigma and that peopke felt it was easy to be open about their monsters ultimately i decided i deserved better than to nearly have my life destroyed by somebody elses choice no matter the pain or the love… @sarah cant comment on your blog via this crappy mobile but thinking of you

  • http://gusgreeper.com Corinna

    i hate thinking about what he did to his family, having to pick up your dead son from the airport from a different continent no note no nothing, every time i fly i think about whether or not there is a dead person on my flight now in cargo or wherever they keep them, and it wasn’t until new years eve this year when that suicide show was on that i had any visual aside from fantasy and i know i needed that but i think it hit me harder than i thought it had like i never have problems sleeping when im depressed that is one thing i CAN do is sleep sleep sleep and not being able to sleep is odd to me giving me too much time to think… and when i told my parents about PH of course they weren’t supportive and i seriously do not mean that in a mean shot way at them i mean it how could they be? it just brought back everything i’d put them through. .. i remember because my dad worked in insurance asking about the car and i felt so bad for his roommate fucking asshole like how do you just take someones car and do that with it. and no insurance doesn’t cover that! yuck.
    and sarah i know what you mean with every detail i have a shit memory and i can still tell you what two teams where playing hockey while i was being assaulted and i remember every detail that entailed me from that night but the coming up to be told is the only part that involves another person the rest is just me like it is as if N never even came back from the gym but i know he did i know we talked it was just the same conversation each of us had with the other over and over and over i don’t think it became really real until i got sent home from work, and having to leave work for his wake i’d never even been to a wake as an adult when i was really little i saw my greatgrandmother at her wake but that is it no one else but one aunt had ever even died in my life before and i never got to go to my aunts funeral i flew out to ontario to say good bye while she was still alive and she died nine months later i still have never attended a burial. but no one has the internal skills to deal with a suicide do they, none of us are born to handle it we just do and yeah it sucks i hate the way it taints the memories.

  • http://sarahlaughs.blogspot.com sarah

    i think, things would have been different (for you) if you would have been able to talk about it. i think these overwhelming feelings of guilt that you have.. they would be more in check. the real point here being that you are talking about it now and i hope that it’s helping. i cannot tell you Corinna, literally, how many times i’ve heard my oldest sister (not the one who recently lost her husband) but the one who lost her ex-boyfriend to suicide oh, more than 10 years ago now) tell me each step of that day. every action he made and she made. how he had pretended his car was broke down on the side of the road, conveniently on the route she took home from work. how she picked him up when she knew THAT was a lie, because she loved him. she emptied her bank account because they had decided to just get away from that place together. they were at his apartment looking at old photos of when they had dated in high school, when he got up from the living room floor and walked into the bedroom. she didn’t know why, so she followed him. he swung the door shut behind him, but it hit something on the floor and slowly bounced back open. she saw it all. he had a sawed off shotgun. she found out later that he had planned to take her with him. in a fucking note that he had left for the rest of US to find, he had planned on murdering my sister and himself that day. i’ve heard her tell that story so many times i know it in more intimate detail than i have recounted here. i have a picture in my mind of what his body looked like and what the ceiling above his body looked like and the look of agony and horror on her face. she tried to put him back together.

    my other sister is starting to tell me her story. and i know before too long that i will know that one as well as i know Jenifer’s story.

    the most important thing Corinna is not that you tried, but that you failed. that you do feel something for having attempted and that you KNOW what it feels like to be part of the wreckage.

    tell the story as many times as you need to. because i know for a fact that it helps. tell it to anyone who will listen and if they are rude about it, they aren’t worth the shit their printed on.

    i love you and i will listen.

  • http://www.shawnte.blogspot.com Shawnte

    You never really stop wondering if you could have said/done something to change it…

  • http://gusgreeper.com Corinna

    it is strange to me this year for so many reasons, i think in part because im the age this year that the people i went through it with directly were, and none of them had attempted suicide in their pasts and i was just fucked like too much for everyone even myself, i had no one to go through it with [NOT saying there weren't people there for me though because there were] because i was reliving what i did to my family which of course i never understood until i went through it and like everyone else was ANGRY and i just wasn’t there it took me years to get angry and realize we were all technically alone in dealing with it.

  • Capegirl

    I refer to them as the lost years

  • Capegirl

    I have felt similarly. The loss of somebody this way is just devastating in particular the feeling of betrayal was a trigger for old abandonment issues its taken a full 8 yrs to begin to embrace life as i once did